Old and New Jokes

you may be a redneck if your a rabbi standing in front of everyone just a fartin and laghin while everyone is holding there nose

President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. Its called Welcome Back Carter.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)



Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.



One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lindas eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that shed been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.



The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.



A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.



And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Q: What should the vanity license plate of the first new VW beetle sold in the year 2000 be?

A: Y2K BUG

The corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him can you make a birthday cake for my wife, shes an optician? He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.



His next customer said can you make a birthday cake for my husband, hes a dentist. He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.





At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked can I help you? The lady turned and saidno, I dont think so,its my husband birthday today, but hes a gynaecologist.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Therese!
Therese who?
Therese many a slip twixt the cup and the lip!

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

How do you know this, Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so.

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself

Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that Nun again is it?

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A 12-year-old boy comes up to a Pollack and says, I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The Pollack answers, The jokes on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah–I wasnt even home last night!

Theres a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tims Grocery Store.

The owner Tim doesnt know what Juniors problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel – they say – because its bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you dont know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because its bigger, or what?

And Junior said, Well, if I took the dime, theyd quit doing it!

Azathoth, Nyarlathotep, and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent
product entitled Windows 95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of
intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows 95, and to a lesser extent all of
the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised look-and-feel
of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

Windows 95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;
A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers
and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of
Alien Gods);
Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to
exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at
a terrible cost to the user.
The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and
force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that
most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces
scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court,
since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest
of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security
psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
Respectfully yours,

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D