Old and New Jokes

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Whats a lightbulb?

A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubbas wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubbas house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser. So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher Please tell me I didnt hit that hitchhiker.

The preacher turns to Bubba and says No son, but I got him with the door.

Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up.

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?

You idiot! His father wrote back. Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you cant even SPELL!

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, Good morning Anthony.Good morning father, replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.Father Murphy, what is this? Anthony asked.Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Anthonys voice was barely audible when he asked, Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

… Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance;

… Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink;

… Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front;

… Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because theyre concerned about their weight;

… Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter;

… Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage;

… Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we dont want to talk to in the first place;

… Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight;

… Do we use the word Politics to describe the process so well: Poli (from Latin) means many, and tics, meaning blood-sucking pests.

… Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

…when she goes on the scales it says One at a time please

A la hora del recreo, Jaimito se acerca a Pepito; éste se le queda viendo, aparta su lonchera y le pega a su compañero. En eso, la maestra se acerca a Pepito y le reprende:

¡Pepito! ¿Por qué le pegaste a Jaimito?

Porque él me lambió mi galleta.

La maestra le corrige:

Pepito, no se dice me lambió, se dice me lamió

¡Ah, si me la mea lo mato!

Why is a sperm whale called a sperm whale?



Because a seaman discovered it.