Old and New Jokes

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

—Michel de Montaigne

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.

He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 40 centimetres high.

So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: I said: Jump,flea! and it jumped 40 cm.

Then he tore off one of the fleas legs. He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm.

Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.

When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.

Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: Jump, flea!. No response.

He said again (in a high voice): Jump, flea!. Nothing.

He shouted: Jump, flea!!!. The flea did not move.

So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote: I tore off all fleas legs and it cannot hear.

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

Ames
Here!

Jenson
Here!

Jones
Here!

Magersky
Here!

Seeback
—

Seeback!
—

SEEBACK!!!
—

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeants ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nadya!
Nadya who?
Nadya head if you understand what Im saying!

Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say Wow, is it Halloween already?

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool! And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!

Your momma so stupid that when she goes on wheel of fortune she buys a seven!