ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper PIG!

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a Unidentified Foul Odor.

Llega el marido todo loco a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

¡Chata, hoy lo vamos a hacer al estilo australiano!

La mujer, sorprendida, le pregunta:

¡Coño! ¿Y cómo es eso?

¡Pues que mientras yo me tiro a la canguro, te vas dando saltos a casa de tu madre!

Eran un argentino, un peruano y un chileno que discutían sobre quien tenía la mejor fábrica.

El argentino dijo: Yo tengo una fabrica de hacer servilletas.

Y el peruano le respondió: Eso me lo meto por el poto.

Luego el peruano dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de confort, y el argentino dijo eso yo también me lo meto por el poto.

Después el chileno dijo: Yo tengo una fábrica de hacer alambre de púa, a ver si se lo meten por el poto.

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father.



Then whos that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.



The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.



The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.



The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.



She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.



The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.



Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.



She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lee!
Lee who?
Leed on McDuff!

The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!)

In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.

Four brothers left home for college and they became
successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived in another
city. The first said, "I had a big house built
for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house." The third said,
"I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading
the Bible and you know she cant read anymore because
she cant see very well. I met this preacher who told
me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty
years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean
the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael,
you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead,
Ive lost my hearing and Im nearly blind. Ill never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home
and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use
the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank You."

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,

while walking through the heather the lass says;

ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

wee jordy says aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him wee jordy i can tell you want

to give me a kiss.

well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says wee jordy i can tell you want to

make love to me.

he says, aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

No! she says… by the tilt in your kilt!