Old and New Jokes

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, What are you doing?!! The blind man replies, Just looking around.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, Dont worry. Its not what you think. If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

How do you stop a black gang from beating you up?

– Throw them a basketball.

Im not as dumb as you look.

A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

I have good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

Thats wonderful, the artist exclaimed. Whats the bad news?

The guy was your doctor …

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?

During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.



In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.



He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.



The angry lady demanded, What took you so long?



The unperturbed doctor replied, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or Thats Michael, hes a doctor.

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, And theres the teacher; shes still old, nasty, and wrinkled