Old and New Jokes

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.



I dont know, she replied. I cant read.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?

From the Daily Collegian:

Stockholm, Sweden – In an embarrassing admission, Defense Ministry analysts say many signals detected by their navys high-tech buoys – and thought to be foreign submarines – were just the sounds of swimming minks.

The report – coming after the military conceded that an animal set off a weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea last spring – was leaked to the Dagens Nyheter newspaper and published yesterday.

It said most of the suspicious sounds heard in the islands around Stockholm since the end of the Cold War were minks and other mammals swishing and splashing as they searched for food. Minks, about the size of cats, are plentiful on the islands. They usually feed on the surface, but sometimes dive for crayfish on the bottom.

Q: Why did the mathemetician join a buddhist cult?
A: Because he had a transcendental experience

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one
night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, My friends, I would
like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place
one hand on top of your TV, and the other hand on the part of your body
which ails you and I will heal you.

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top
of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, Ernest, he is talking about healing the sick,
not raising the dead.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $

5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision. Which women did he choose? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Have you made your guess? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? He marries…….. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The one with the largest breasts!

Q: Whats a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.

The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!

Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.

One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?

St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.

Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?

A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.

Paul Randolph

Okayama, Japan

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.

His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doing?



Mary is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.



Oh no, says Dave. He works out at the gym with me.



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser.



Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.



No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.



A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?



Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.



Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.



The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.