Old and New Jokes

Dear God:

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed today because they pissed me off.

And also, please help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. So far today, God, I have done all right. I havent gossiped. I havent lost my temper. I havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

I am very thankful for that but in a few minutes, I am going to get out of bed. And from then on, I am going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

Did you know that over 20% of the Chinese population have cataracts?

The other 80% drive Rincolns.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.Watson says, I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.Holmes replied: Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly, in this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man, Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mums bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man.

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

El perro de un abogado, corriendo sin correa, entra en una carnicería y se roba un gran pedazo de carne. El carnicero sigue al perro hasta la oficina del abogado y le pregunta a éste: Si un perro entra corriendo sin correa a mi carnicería y se roba un pedazo de carne, ¿tengo el derecho de exigir al dueño del perro que me pague la carne que el perro robó?

El abogado contesta: Absolutamente.

Entonces me debe usted 9 pesos. Su perro me robó un pedazo de carne hace unos momentos.

El abogado, sin decir ni una palabra, escribe y entrega al carnicero un cheque amparando los 9 pesos.

Dos dias después, el carnicero abre el correo de su casa y encuentra un sobre del abogado. Al abrirlo se da cuenta de que es ¡una factura por $50 en concepto de honorarios por la consulta!

Yo mommas so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!

Two heads are more numerous than one.