Old and New Jokes

A young girl sat on Santas knee. He said, What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Some hairs on my pee-pee place, she replied.

Do you mind if theyre white ones? asked Santa….

Una vez estaba Jaimito caminando rumbo al colegio cuando un malandro lo llama y le dice:

¿Qué llevas en la lonchera niño?

Jaimito le responde: mi comida

El malandro le dice: Eso no se llama comida, eso se llama mierda. ¿Y quien te la hizo?

Mi mamá.

Ella no es mamá sino puta.

¿Y adonde vas?

Al colegio.

Eso no es colegio, eso es coño.

Al día siguiente Jaimito le dice a su mamá:

¡Oye puta, dame la mierda que me voy al coño!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, What starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer replied, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied, Well Yeah, but you started it.

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All of this was just too wonderful for words, he said; But whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!!

Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian ?

She loved men……

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The 1000 km journey always begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper thats the time to do it.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Sex is like air. Its not important unless you arent getting any.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

You cant strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

When someone says, Do you want my opinion? it is always a negative one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is – its so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say one out of even four people is crazy. Check three friends – if they are OK, youre it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Two little boys were in a hospital ward next to each other. One asked the other What are you here for? The other answered, I am going to have my tonsils out The first boy reassured him Thats okay I had that done a few years ago, you dont feel a thing and you get lots of ice cream after. The other boy then asked What are you here for? The first boy said I need to have a cicumcison. The other one sighed and said Thats tough, I had that done when I was seven days old and I could not walk for a year!

10. I think of you as a brother.Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance. 9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I dont want to do my dad. 8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.6. Ive got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys. 5. I dont date men where I work.Translation: I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building. 4. Its not you, its me.Translation: Its you.3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. 2. Im celibate. Translation: Ive sworn off only the men like you. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its the male perspective thing. Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: Youre ugly.9. Theres a slight difference in our ages.Translation: Youre ugly.8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: Youre ugly. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: Youre ugly. 6. Ive got a girlfriend. Translation: Youre ugly. 5. I dont date women where I work.Translation: Youre ugly. 4. Its not you, its me. Translation: Youre ugly. 3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Youre ugly. 2. Im celibate.Translation: Youre ugly. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: Youre sinfully ugly.

Q: Whats the first thing a blonde says in the morning?

A: Thanks, guys…

The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspects cabin. Its a good thing he was taking that stuff… otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy…

Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesnt the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate – chances are good theyll end up reelected!

For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.

In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico – Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED hed get California moving again.

In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that the road with all the potholes, the road thats sinking or the one that is still closed by CalTrans?

The Material Girl is now the Maternity Girl – were not exactly sure how long Madonna has been pregnant, but if the baby was conceived in late March its possible shell have her child on Christmas Day – setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.

Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Wow! Virtual poverty!

Downsizing: Layoffs at Kelloggs have left employees demoralized. Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks about Frosted Flakes and he said, Eh, theyre OK.

More downsizing: Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow suit. Breakfast food downsizing means from now on, itll only be LIEUTENANT Crunch. Inside of every box of Lucky Charms youll find Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips! To save money, theyve also had to cut back on their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man figures.

Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire – even when parked. Apparently, Quality was Job Two. The folks in marketing havent missed a beat – if Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers. Boy, when Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, theyre not kidding.

Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide. Its already a hit with users of Windows 95 who still cant get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. Theyre going to call it, Hard Drive: With a Vengeance.

And finally in sports – okay, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. The Lakers are still the best team – when push comes to shove.