A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. What can I get you? asked the bartender.
Anything but a Canadian Club replied the seal.
27
Jan
27
Jan
A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now Im going in to retrieve it. The old farmer replied. This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule? The Farmer replied, Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmers third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, Okay, you old coot, now its my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
27
Jan
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends…
27
Jan
Much to his Mum and Dads dismay,
Horace ate himself one day.
He didnt stop to say his grace.
He just sat down and ate his face.
We cant have this, his dad declared.
If that lads ate, he should be shared!
But even as he spoke, they saw
Horace eating more and more.
First his legs and then his thighs;
His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
Stop him, someone! Mother cried,
Those eyeballs would be better fried!
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong.
Oh foolish child, his father mourned,
We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
Some parsley, and some tartar sauce.
But H. was on his second course.
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
To think we raised him from the cot,
And now hes going to scoff the lot!
His mother cried, What shall we do?
Whats left wont even make a stew!
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay, a boy no more,
Just a stomach on the floor.
Nonetheless, since it was his,
They ate it. Thats what haggis is.
Anon.
26
Jan
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jessica!
Jessica who?
Jessica more than I thought!
26
Jan
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Its up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
26
Jan
Una señora, ya setentona, visita al doctor, y al llegar le platica todos sus males:
Ay doctor, me duele todo el cuerpo y no sé que me pasa.
A ver señora siéntese aquÃ, con cuidado, y quÃtese la ropa, la voy a revisar.
Ay si doctor, porque fÃjese que ya no aguanto. ¡Ojalá que pueda curarme!
Ya, ya, silencio. Lo único que va a hacer, es decir 33 cada vez que le ponga el estetoscopio en un lugar diferente ¿entendido?
SÃ doctor.
Entonces, el doctor comienza a auscultarla con el estetoscopio empezando desde la nuca.
A ver diga 33, le pide el médico.
33, repite la señora.
Y asÃ, continúa el facultativo, hasta que llega a la parte más Ãntima de la señora: A ver diga 33.
Y la señora comienza a decir: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…
26
Jan
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, Do you think its wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?
The Custodian looked at him gravely ….. We trust them with the children, dont we?
26
Jan
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree – look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
26
Jan
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place
(why…a duh!)
On an infants bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
(ah-ha! So thats what happened to my little sister!)
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
(oh sure…now they tell me!)
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
(aye matey…but the sharks love em!)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
(well thats just great…now what do I use!)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.
(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
(he-he…I gotta try this one!)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On childrens alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
(hmmm…I think Ill test this one out on my nephews 🙂