Old and New Jokes

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bills life story.

During the course of his interview he asked Bill, What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency.



Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, Monica Lewinski! Id have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision.



How could that be, Bill?, asked the surprised biographer.



Bill smiled and then shook his head, Id have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason.



Thats odd. What was the reason for that?, said the biographer.



Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, Monica had a big mouth.

35. If you can sleep through your roommates blaring stereo

Life is tough; even the subways are in a hole.

Luke I am your folder!

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the World O Coffins web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of the willies.

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high Career Days.

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, But he looks like Michael Jackson!

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…

Dying in each others arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

You so ugly, last time you got ass was when your toiletpaper broke!

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his moms bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man!

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, What huge buttocks! Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

No, but I could have! the third man replied.

When theres traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living daylights out of them (in LA, shoot them).If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles… like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.

Why wasnt Jesus born in Essex, England? Because they couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!