Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
06
Jan
05
Jan
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didnt have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
05
Jan
La muchacha llorando llega donde su papá. El señor todo angustiado le pregunta la razón de sus lágrimas.
¡Ay, papá, es que en el cine dijeron que cuando uno se muere se pone tieso.
SÃ, hija, ¿y qué hay con eso?
Es que mi novio se está muriendo por partes.
05
Jan
Ive been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
05
Jan
Bakers Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. – Columnist Russell Baker
05
Jan
yo moma so fat she got into a monster truck and made it into a lowrider
05
Jan
Q.- NAME:
A.- Iam Applyin
Q.- DESIRED POSITION:
A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.
Q.- DESIRED SALARY:
A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.- EDUCATION:
A.- Yes.
Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:
A.- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.- SALARY:
A.- Less than Im worth.
Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:
A.- It sucked.
Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
A.- Any.
Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:
A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
A.- Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
A.- If I had one, would I be here?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
A.- Of what?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?
Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?:
A.- Only when set on fire.
Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.
Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:
A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.
Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
05
Jan
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
Its supposed to be a tiger! Sally cried.
Honey, said Dan, Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!
05
Jan
A young boy comes in from playing with his friend to ask his father a question. Dad, what is a penis?
I will show you, the father says, unzipping his fly. That, my son, is a perfect penis.
The boy returns to his young playmate outside. So? What did your father say? the friend asks.
The young boy unzips his pants and says, This is a penis – and if it was four inches shorter it would be a *perfect* penis.
05
Jan
Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper of a fart and quick as a flash, she turned her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.
Hawkins! she cried, Stop that!
Certainly, your Grace., he replied with unhurried dignity, Which way did it go?