Old and New Jokes

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes its a gay bar, but decides, What the heck, I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, Whats the name of your penis?

Guy: Look, Im not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

Waiter:Im sorry, but I cant serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike for the slogan Just Do It That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers because It Really Satisfies.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says hell give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, Hey, bud, whats the name of your penis?

Other customer: Timex!

First guy: Why Timex?

Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

First guy:Whats the name of your penis?

Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is Secret!

Waiter: (pouring beer) Why Secret?

Guy:(proudly) Because its strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started Dear Santa…, he thought No, I will go to a higher authority, so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks..

NO NO NO NO I cant be good for two weeks, he thought to himself.

So he started all over again…

Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week.

NO NO NO NO I cant be good for one week, he thought to himself.

So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.

He started all over again.

Dear Jesus, I have your mother…if you ever want to see her again…get me a bike for Christmas!

Hello, Mr. Brown, said the sales rep. Im calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still havent sent us a single payment.

The customer replied, But you said theyd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im Stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.

Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving?

Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish? No – We talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldnt resist. said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Heres your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn thats hot! See? If hed been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked So.. is your truck stuck? I couldnt help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said no Im delivering a bridge…heres your sign.

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to
everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
rabbi see right through the brothers deceptions, but he also spoke well and
true about it. Due to the rabbis honesty and integrity, the temples membership
grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much
bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the
new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount
needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.

I have only one condition, he said. At the funeral, you must say my brother
was a mensch. You must say those exact words.

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it
immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back.
He was an evil man, he said about the dead brother. He cheated on his wife
and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act. He railed on
and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his
shoulders. Finally, he said, But compared to his brother, he was a mensch.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

A person who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

A German, Englishman and Arab are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.

The German says, I have 4 kids, one more and theyll make a basketball team.

The Englishman says, Huh! Thats nothing I have 10 boys; one more and Ill be the world-champion soccer-teams coach.

The Arab starts laughing. He says, Ive had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and Ill open a golf course!

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving



Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?



Its the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works..

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.



Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.. The witch doctor tells , I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ……… The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!



The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens when its over?



The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1234 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!



The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says 123, and suddenly he gets an erection..



His wife turns over and says What did you say 123 for?