IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Did you hear about the smart blonde? You wont either.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, You know mate, back home, we shear those!
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, Im not bloody SHEARING this with no one!
A un hombre le empieza a salir vello en toda la cara. Un dÃa se ve al espejo y ve que toda su cara está llena de pelo; de inmediato acude al médico y entra a la consulta gritando:
Doctor, doctor, ¿qué padezco, qué padezco?
Con infinita ternura, el galeno responde:
Padece un osito.
An Asian gentleman walks into an American bank needing to exchange currency. Handing over 55 yen, he is told by the teller that the equivalancy in american dollars will be $96.00. completing his transaction, he smilingly leaves the bank. One week later he returns to again, exchange some cash. Giving the teller 55 yen, he is told that the equivalancy will be $91.00. What you talk about!, he exclaims. Last week I come in, 55 yen is $96.00 dollar and today it only $91.00, you trying to cheat me?. No sir, the teller tried to explain, ..fluctuations…
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done…
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.
How many poles did your group set? He asked. Two. Replied the Blonde forewoman.
What! Just, two! exclaimed the Supervisor. The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?
It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us, replied the Blonde. But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!
How do musicians do it …
Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Altos have body.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in public.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it on the football field.
Baritones do it deeper.
Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.
Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Drummers pound it.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
Harpsichordists do it continuously!
Music hackers do it at 3 am.
Music hackers do it audibly.
Music hackers do it in concert.
Music hackers do it in scores.
Music hackers do it with more movements.
Music hackers do it with their organs.
Music hackers want to do it in realtime.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians duet together.
Organists … um, well …
Piano players have faster fingers
Piano students learn on their teachers instruments.
Singers do it with their diaphragms.
Sopranos and tenors do it higher.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Tenors have breath control.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions.
Trombones do it faster.
Trombonists use more positions.
Trumpet players blow the best.
Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.
Tuba players do it with big horns.
Tubas do it deeper.
Violinists do it gently.
Violists do it alone.
Violoncellists do it low.
Virtuosi appreciate it.
Vocalists are good in their mouths.
Woodwind players do it in the reeds.
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
Dam.
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
All right, son. asked the father, what does that show you?
Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.
Joe says to Bill, Want to see a picture of my Aunt?
Bill said, Sure.
So Joe takes out a picture.
Bill says, What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!
Joe says, Well sure it is… Its my aunt Chovy!