Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, How stunning do you have to look?
Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, How should I feel?
Whenever possible, end questions with or what? This allows the other person to interject another question: Has she grown up, or what?; Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what? (About now, a spontaneous rendition of Sunrise, Sunset should be expected.)
Begin questions with What? Example: What, my kishkas not good enough for you?
Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go with (drop you).
Move subject to end of sentences: Is SHE getting heavy, that Esther?
Use that as a modifier to infer contempt: Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?
Use lovely to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: We got a lovely note from the Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder. (Translation: What, *you* didnt eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?)
Vocabulary:
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone mashugana, tsmished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started:
Sch…, as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: Cadillac schmadillac, youre suddenly too good for the Lincoln?
Learning to pronounce sch properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles saying, Its not raining, just spritzing. Its the same ssshhh sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck – Most commonly used as jerk, but can also be used as a sucker, as in , Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?
Schmoe – See schmuck.
Schmata – Rag, as in, Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?
Schmaltz – Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation its sappy or corny. The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesnt mean theyre going to wait around for an answer. If youve got something to say, speak up. Jump right in there with a hearty, What, are you crazed? Thats not the way to fix a leaky faucet! (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If youre talking and Jews dont interrupt, theyre bored.
Practice Question:
Youre on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, Who gave that maniac a drivers license?
Wrong answer:
In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a drivers license.
Correct answer:
Morons.
Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics. When shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, What, Im the schmuck who shouldnt feed his children? The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, Let the negotiations begin.