Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.

(why wait that long)



2) Thou shall not do drugs.

(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)



3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.

(Walmart has a bigger selection)



4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.

(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)



5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.

(everyone knows grandma has more money)



6) Thou shall not get into fights.

(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)



7) Thou shall not skip class.

(just take the whole day off)



8) Thou shall not strip in class.

(Hooters pays more)



9) Thou shall not think about having sex.

(like Nike says, just do it)



10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.

(just leavem in the middle)

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.



She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!



She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?



Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman.

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time? The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctors powers!

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.Excited About Lifes Journey . . No concept of reality.Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a womans personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You wont have to approach her, if she is interested, shell send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is … this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: Hes poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesnt give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: Hes gay