Old and New Jokes

Im just driving this way to piss you off.

Q.How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?

A. Its not hard.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.

How can there be self-help groups?

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. How do they feel? asks the sales clerk.

Well … they feel a bit tight. replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. Try pulling the tongue out offers the clerk.

Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. He says.

I think its time to stop carping on the blunders
of the President and give him some credit for
creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish
hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker?
Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

— A. Whitney Brown

Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer

Math 101Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.Why do I tell you this?Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80 ….

Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, youre right! I never wouldve thought of that! – Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts? – Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. – Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, whats the problem? – Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job.

But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessies house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldnt find his way home. Oy Morris , said grandma, Youve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldnt hear. Morris whispered, I wasnt lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.