Old and New Jokes

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Oh, its nothing to worry about says the caretaker.

Hes just decomposing!

Two guys, John and Jake, are training the art of parachutism.

At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane. By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold.

This does happen to John. Gently he floats in the air. Unfortunately this doesnt happen to Jake, no matter how hard he pulls the yellow string, nothing happens. Hes fallen straight down to earth.

John shouts to him: Dont make a fuss of it, its just a practice jump!

A man walks into a bar.

Bartender asks whatll have.

Man replies A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.

All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble hes talking about.

The man says Give me a beer and I might just tell you.

The bartender replies, Sorry, youve had your limit for the night.

The man says Ohh, now the trouble starts..

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:

No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctors statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH (Other than your own):

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided you share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in you absence.

(Your own):

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If youre unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldnt lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
We are through, love!
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, Who owns the white horse tied up outside?

The Lone Ranger said, Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?

Because it’s collapsed and looks like its dying, says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

Hes probably just suffering from the heat, says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, Who owns the white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger says, Thats mine, whats the problem this time?

Oh, no problem, says the stranger, its just that youve left your injun running.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.



Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?



The teacher wasnt certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.



The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.



The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, Well you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.