Old and New Jokes

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

Fidel muere y llega al cielo pero no estaba en la lista, así que San Pedro lo manda al infierno. Cuando llega al infierno, Satanás lo recibe y le dice:

¡Hola Fidel! Te estaba esperando, pasa que acá estarás como en casa.

Fidel le responde: Gracias Satanás, pero estuve primero en el cielo y dejé olvidadas mis maletas allá.

No te preocupes, replica Satanás, voy a enviar a dos diablitos a recoger tus cosas.

Asi es como dos diablitos llegan a las puertas del cielo, pero las encuentran cerradas pues San Pedro estaba almorzando.

No importa, le dice uno al otro, trepamos la puerta y sacamos las maletas sin molestar a nadie.

Empiezan a subir la puerta cuando dos angelitos que pasaban por allí los ven y un angelito le dice al otro: No hace ni diez minutos que Fidel está en el infierno y ya tenemos refugiados.

Dos mexicanos fueron contratados para arreglar los jardines de la central de cohetes de la NASA en Houston. A la hora del lunch, éstos acostumbraban tomar un trago o dos de tequila para completar la faena animados. Un día, uno de ellos se encontró un garrafón con el combustible utilizado en las cosmonaves, y se le ocurrió agregarle al tequila unas gotas para ver que se sentía. Después del almuerzo, los amigos regresaron al trabajo cada uno por su lado. De pronto, el teléfono celular (móvil) de uno de ellos suena:

Compadre, después de que nos tomamos el tequila, ¿se ha echado alguna flatulencia?, le pregunta el otro, que era el que llamaba.

No, compadre, responde el del teléfono.

¡Ni la suelte, compadre, le estoy hablando desde Buenos Aires, Argentina!, le advierte emocionado el otro.

The bear looks at the rabbit and says,Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?

The rabbits says,No…



So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A man walks into a bar and asks for 15 shots of vodka the bartender then asks what it was in aid of he replied, i just had my first blow job the batender says well done have one on me its ok he replies if 15 shots doesnt take the taste of cum out my mouth nothing will!

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

How did you like that jump, buddy? said a proud John to a deck hand.

It was great, said the sailor. But why didnt you wait? We were just pulling in!

A guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, Fuck me, thats a lot of condoms!

The guy buying them said, In that case, better make it 100.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said

concentrate!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

A sheepdog walks into a bar and sits up at the bar on a barstool. The barman is very confused but decides to serve him anyway.The sheepdog orders a double scotch and the barman says,
Im sorry for asking, but can you pay for it?The dog says yes and reaches into his fur and pulls out his wallet.That will be £26, the barman says.The dog looks a little surprised but he pulls out £26 and gives it to the barman who hands him his drink.The dog downs the drink in one and gets up to leave. The barman watches him and as he opens the door, he calls out, Im sorry, but we dont get many dogs in here ordering a double scotch.The dog replies, Im not surprised at £26 a time!