Old and New Jokes

Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me! Me too! Me too!

Se reúne Jesús con sus apóstoles y les pide:

Hijos míos, levantad y recoged una piedra que vamos a la montaña a rezar.

Todos los discípulos se levantan rápidamente y cada uno toma una piedra da tamaño regular. Sin embargo, Judas se queda pensando con cierto recelo:

Ya va empezar a joder otra vez: cuándo no es ayuno, es rezar todo el día. ¡No joda!

Entonces, resentido, agarra una piedra pequeñita y se va a la montaña. Cuando todos llegan arriba, Jesús se levanta e indica:

Bueno, hijos míos, rezad para que las piedras se nos conviertan en pan.

Súbitamente, todas las piedras se convierten en pan y todos los apóstoles se alegran por su pedazo de pan. Detrás, Judas se queda arrecho porque lo que tenía era un pedacito nada más.

Al mes siguiente, Jesús dice lo mismo de agarrar piedras y Judas piensa:

¡Ahora sí, no joda, ahora sí que me toca a mí!

Y coge una piedra que pesaba la mitad de lo que él pesaba, que casi no podía con ella, por lo que todos llegaron antes que él. Cuando éste arriba, todo sudado y casi sin aire, pregunta:

¿Ya empezaron?

Uno de los discípulos le contesta que no y que se siente. Estando todos ahí, Jesús se levanta y dice:

Bueno, ahora todos tirad la piedra, porque traje pan y queso para que todos comamos.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1 in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle certain children due to various religious beliefs, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – – – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporize

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, Dont do that.

One day the teacher asked the class tell me is it

noisier then last year in your neighborhood. 70%



said yes and the other30% said I didnt hear the



quistion.

I am dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Cool Bumper Stickers

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

-Horn broken, watch for finger.

-My kid had sex with your honor student.

-If at first you dont succeed, try not to look astonished.

-I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

-Jesus loves you… Everyone else thinks youre an asshole.

-Im just driving this way to piss you off.

-Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs. -Keep honking, Im reloading.

-Hang up and drive.

-Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.

-Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

-If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

-I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

-Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

-We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

-Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

-Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.

-Im not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

-He who laughs last thinks slowest!

-Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

-Theres too much blood in my caffeine system.

-Assassins do it from behind.

-If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

-Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

-I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

-Dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive.

-I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

-Where theres a will, I want to be in it.

-Few women admit their age…few men act theirs.

-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[From the Mens Health Magazine]

8. Meeters Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, thats sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, Go on, eat me already. The second-best thing is the presence of both cooked mutton and mutton in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If youre really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, youll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (its stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat falling off the bone.
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think its a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the worlds most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the products titular robin isnt actually blind, hes blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmänen Reindeer Pate (Kylmänen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph the Reindeer was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santas sleigh team — he didnt want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing youve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If youre the sort whos always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. Im afraid I am the bearer of bad news., he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. Its an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for a male brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more? The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, Its a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because theyre used.