Old and New Jokes

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Leroy says, Hey Jasper, theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in.

But wes privates, protests Jasper.

Wes sergeants now, says Leroy, pulling him inside.

Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.

But wes privates, says Jasper. Are you blind, boy? asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. Wes sergeants now.

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. Youre cute, she says, and Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If its okay, give me the okay sign. So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. Jasper, he says, why did you give me the okay sign?

Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates. He points to his stripes. But wes sergeants now!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Jamie and Suzie were walking down the street pushing their dolls in doll strollers. Jamie –
Where did you get your baby?
Suzie –
The Sears Catalog.
Jamie –
How much did it cost?
Suzie –
Twenty-five dollars.
Jamie –
How long did it take?
Suzie –
About three weeks. How about you, where did you get your baby?
Jamie –
The JC Penny Catalogue.
Suzie –
How much did it cost?
Jamie –
Ten dollars.
Suzie –
How long did it take?
Jamie –
About five weeks.A short time later, they passed a woman pushing a real baby in a stroller. Being curious, they asked the woman where her baby came from.
I got my baby from the General Hospital.
Jamie –
How much did it cost?
Woman –
About a thousand dollars.
Suzie –
How long did it take?
Woman –
Nine months.The woman continued down the street away from the girls. After a few minutes, Jamie says, I dont know about you, but I think she got screwed.

A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the send key.

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…) But they only get three attempts.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Sen~or, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona.

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser.

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke.

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness?

The Guinness president replies Well, if you guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??



A: A teacher says spit out that gum and a train says choo choo choo!

Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as Bonkistry. He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.



Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.



These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.



So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.



Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. Cool they thought, this is going to be easy. They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:



(95 points) Which tire?