Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma doesnt remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.

Because you better or Ill kick your ass.

You might be a redneck if…
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up, and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work. So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast, and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and luckily landed on the boat. The captain of the boat saw his commotion, and said to him, You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in.

(This joke courtesy of orchestral trumpeter Michael Bowman)

A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three
were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which
of them was the greatest.

Well, said the judge, my position is one of dignity and power. When
I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says All rise! and all the people
stand to pay me honor.

Thats very nice, said the bishop. People stand in your honor; but
when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they
address me as Your Holiness.

The conductor snorted and said, I think I got you both beat; when I
step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their
hands over their eyes, and say Oh, my God!

Some churches are more fun than others. Believe it or not, these
actually appeared in various church bulletins:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk, come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. Johnson will
sing, Put Me In My Little Bed, accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the little mothers
club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the
pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg at the alter.

The service will close with Little Drops Of Water. One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join
in.

On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir
practice.

For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Dont let worry kill you off – let the church help.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

You might be a redneck if…

Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonalds bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

Un avión vuela sobre el Eje Central de la Ciudad de México y va perdiendo altura. La azafata informa a los pasajeros con voz dulce y clara:

Señores pasajeros, en este momento sobrevolamos la avenida Eje Central Lázaro Cárdenas, a su lado derecho, podremos observar la Torre Latinoamericana, a su lado izquierdo, el Monumento a la Madre… Ustedes deciden dónde nos damos: en la Torre o en la Madre.