Old and New Jokes

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldnt you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going BOY?!?

Bob thought for a second and asked, Uhhh, over 55?

93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!

But if you already knew, replied Bob, Why did you ask me?

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine! The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, You dont even look like you have a job! Why,… Ive never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!

Bob recanted, Ive got a job! I have a good, well paying job!

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?

Im an asshole stretcher!!! replied Bob.

What you say, BOY?!? asked the patrolman.

Im an asshole stretcher!!!

Of course the cop asked, What does an asshole stretcher do?

Bob explained, People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until its six feet across.

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?

Bob nonchalantly commented, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

The recipe said to cook for 1/2 hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

A fellow was out for his usual morning walk. Crossing the road along which he walked was a high overpass. As he neared the overpass he noticed, lying at the foot of a pillar, a crumpled heap.

Walking closer he realized that it was a person lying there, who had either fallen or jumped from the overpass. He rushed over to see if he could help and saw that the person was still alive.

He also noticed a dead parakeet tied to the ankle of the person lying there.

What happened? he blurted out.

The eyes opened, and a painful voice answered, I wanted to find out what this budgee jumping is about.

Its the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. Hes a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girls father answers and invites him in. Carries not ready yet, so why dont you have a seat?, he says.

Thats cool says Bobby.

Carries father asks Bobby what theyre planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carries father responds why dont you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asks Carries Dad to repeat it.

Yeah, says Carries father, Carrie really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobbys eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that shes ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

DAMMIT DADDY! …ITS CALLED THE TWIST!!!

Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy.

Id like to be one cool stud! was the reply. Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. Youll find them easily, he says… One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.

Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. Well, the officer replied, one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other ones head straightened around, he was dead, too.

You dont know Jack Schitt!

When someone says You dont know Jack Schitt, well, now youll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitts twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, You dont know Jack Schitt! you can say Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!

Your Mamma is so fat that when she barely got out the door and went around the corner and passed my house with a yellow jacket on i went …aw crap i missed the bus again!

Llega la mujer y le dice a su esposo que esta leyendo el periódico:

Mira mi amor, ¿no crees que con este vestido me veo 20 años más joven?

Y el esposo la mira y le dice:

¡Y porque no te compras dos vestidos más!