One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. Ive got some good news and some bad news, God said. Adam looked at God and said, Well, give me the good news first. Smiling, God explained, Ive got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings? God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:
They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.
Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!
I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken…
Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot…
… in Jesus name. Amen.
This one most certainly must have been a blonde:
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lindas eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that shed been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm… Chicken sure sounds good tonight.
The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.
Well Ill tell you, replied the man, If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack Ill give them both to you.
in order to create the first bullet-proof Kennedy.
5.) Theyre heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4.) They periodically cut you off right when you think youve established a network connection.
3.) Theyll usually do what you ask them to do, but they wont do more than they have to and they wont think of it on their own.
2.) Theyre typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel theyve already invested so much in the damn machine that theyre compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1.) They get hot when you turn them on, and thats the only time you have their attention.
Dear Son,
Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldnt have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I havent seen em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether its a girl or a boy, so I dont know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santas, to Santas surprise
And said as he sat on Santas broad knee,
I want your secret. Tell it to me.
He leaned up and whispered in Santas good ear
How do you do it, year after year?
I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the worlds girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
Dont ask me hard questions. Dont you want a toy?
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. Now listen to me,
He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,
My secret will make you sadder and wise.
The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl and each boy
I dont always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.
Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives toys arent enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,
And I pray with them that theyll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.
If only God hears me and answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
Its a very hard task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.
But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
Thats part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.
In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could ever give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys.
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
And do you know something? Youve got a sack, too.
Its as magic as mine and its inside of you.
It never gets empty, its full from the start.
Its the centre of lights, and love. Its your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Dont be so concerned with the gifts neath your tree.
Open that sack called your heart, and share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care.
The light in the small boys eyes was glowing.
Thanks for your secret. Ive got to be going.
Wait, little boy, Said Santa, dont go.
Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, I will.
I am a college student.
Ive missed class to watch Jenny Jones. Ive partied until 7 in the morning. I live for Southpark and Sportscenter.
I watch Jerry Springer religiously.
Im broke. Ive spent over $300 at one time buying text books. I spend that much in a month on beer. I drink til the sun comes up. I wake up 10 minutes before class.
I fall asleep 10 minutes into class.
I cant remember the last time I washed my car.
Im not sure where the library is.
I procrastinate. Im lazy. C2H5OH is my favorite chemical compound.
Id rather do E-mails than do schoolwork. Id rather sleep than do E-mails. Id rather drink than sleep. I fund the University through my parking tickets and phone bills. I drink on Sundays. I have an alcohol bottle collection on display in my room. I havent eaten breakfast in a year.
I order pizza at midnight. I make popcorn at 1:00. I do E-mails at 2:00. I watch TV at 3:00. I go to sleep around 4:00. I know the Greek alphabet better than the English alphabet. Ive built up a tolerance to certain beverages.
The weekend starts on Thursday. I want to own a breathalizer to use for fun. Im the type of person your mother warned you about. I am a college student and I wouldnt change a damn thing!