Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give four shots of your best scotch right now. The bartender pours them up and sets them in front of the man. The man slams back all four of them one right after the other.

Bartender says man you must be in a hurry



The man says you would be to if you had only twenty-five cents.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.

It was several weeks before Pesach. I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar that my wife instructed me to empty. She said, Empty each and every bottle down the sink, so I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

Im not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. Im not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.

#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).

#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirks father (whoops, thats from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).

#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.

#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.

#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product concept.

#4 Obi Wans name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says I think he died X years ago where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now dont kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.

#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PCs when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs

#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.

#1 Death Stars old slogan: Fear this battle station

Death Stars NEW slogan: Where do you want to go today?

Recently the fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken has been running
advertisements for their new buffet. In the television commercial, various
store personnel sing the praises of the buffet. They are not particularly good
singers, and the song is rather pathetic. The whole thing appears to have been
done in jest. This commercial is generally recognized (i.e., by a few of my
friends and I) as one of the dumbest in recent memory.

It seems that the local KFC franchise recognizes this as well. Yesterday the
sign outside the the store read (I am NOT making this up):

Try Our New Buffet

Or Well Run The Commercial Again

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you dont have?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How come there arent B batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why youre just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 ups?

A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector
does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows its very old and very valuable. So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for
two dollars.

But the store owner says to him, Im sorry, but the cat isnt for sale.And the collector says, Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. Ill give you ten dollars for him.And the owner says, Sold, and takes the ten dollars. Then the collector says, Listen, I was wondering if, for the ten dollars, you might include that old
saucer. The cat seems to be used to it. Itll save me a dish.

And the owner says, Sorry, buddy. Thats my lucky saucer. So far this week, Ive sold sixty-eight cats!

Musician Jokes – In Score Order



How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?

Shoot one.



Whats the definition of a minor second?

Two flutists playing in unison.



Whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.



Whats the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?

Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.



Whats the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.



Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.



Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones.



Whats the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.



What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.



Whats the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?

You can tune a lawn mower, and the owners neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and dont return it.



How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.



If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that youre hallucinating.



How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?

Add vibrato.



How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better they could have done it.



How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.



Whats the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.



Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.



Whats the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.



Whats the range of a tuba?

About twenty yards if you have a good arm.



Whats a tuba for?

1 1/2 x 3 1/2



Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?

So they dont disgrace themselves in parades.



What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.



How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines that do that now.



What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?

Would you like fries with that, sir?



What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.



Whats the definition of a quarter tone?

A harpist tuning unison strings.



Why are a pianists fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same spot twice.



How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving.



Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.



What do violinists use for birth control?

Their personalities.



How do you make a violin sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and dont play.



How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?

No one knows when to come in.



Whats the difference between a violist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.



How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?

Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.



Why are violins smaller than violas?

They are actually the same size. Violinists heads are larger.



Whats the difference between a cello and a viola?

The cello burns longer.



Whats the difference between a cello and a coffin?

The coffin has the corpse inside.



Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

So you dont have to retrain the cellists.



Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?

The timpanist turned a peg and wouldnt tell him which one.



How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?

Even the section notices.



How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.



How does a soprano change a light bulb?

She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.



Whats the difference between a soprano and the PLO?

You can negotiate with the PLO.



Whats the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?

The dressmaker tucks up the frills.



If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end –

It would be a good idea.



What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?

A start.



Whats the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.



If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

Who cares?



Whats the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?

The sack.



Why are conductors hearts coveted for transplants?

Theyve had so little use.



A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor. Hes told that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same message each time. The receptionist asks, Why do you keep calling?

I just like to hear you say it.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.



How do you get a guitar to play softer?

Give him a sheet of music.



What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?

When you plug them in, they both suck.



How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One, two, three… one, two, three…



Hey buddy, how late does the band play?

Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

Se encuentran dos amigos después de años de no verse.

¡Qué pasó Juan! ¿Cómo has estado?

Bien, José ¿y tú?

Bien.

Y queriendo entablar conversación uno le dice al otro, Oye, ¿te acuerdas de la Juana?

Y el otro le contesta, ¡Cómo no me voy a acordar de ella, si cuando era más pequeño le daba yo hasta por el culo.

A lo cual le contesta el otro, ¡Qué pasó mi amigo, si ella es mi esposa!

Y el otro apenado le contesta:

¡Bueno, como ahora ya crecí, le debo de dar por los hombros!