Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat that when I drove around her, I ran out of gas.

I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the states voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

This is the last straw, said Utah senator Orin Hatch. First Elian Gonzales, now this.

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

Were all pretty much sick of Florida, said representative Barney Frank. Theyve been a constant embarrassment for too long now. Added Frank, They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh thats right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot.

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Floridas sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military, said the Senator to roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed, said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean – tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy.

Remember, said Hastert, every vote counts, especially if its counted by robots.

Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

After that, theyre on their own, said Hastert. I hope they sink.

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.

The commander yells, Ready…Aim… and the brunette yells Earthquake!!!

Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.

The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. Ready…Aim… and the redhead yells Tornado!!!

Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.

The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. Ready…Aim… and the blonde yells Fire!!!

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.
The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

During the Great Depression, two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they happen by a Baptist Church. They see a big sign posted that says, join our church and you get fifty dollars.

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, Murray, whats going on?

Abe, replies Murray, Im thinking of doing it.

Abe says, What are you, crazy?

Murray thinks for a minute and says, Abe, Im going to do it. The kids need shoes and I have to put food on the table. With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out an hour later with a wet forehead.

So, asks Abe, did you get your fifty dollars?

Murray looks up at him and says, Is that all you people think of?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Whittle!
Whittle who?
Whittle Orphan Annie!

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.