Old and New Jokes

Why dont blondes like making Kool-Aid?

Because they cant fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

your house so small i threw a rock and hit everybody

1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say could be better this will keep her on her toes, and girls love That.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if shes sleeping. If she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when shes sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussys and Asian ladies.

7. If youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her youre taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks its going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now youre really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear …because I can.

9. introduce her to your friends as some chick. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket…then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say if you dont stop b*tching about the cold right now youre going to be b*tching about a black eye. The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldnt girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When shes fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say No shes not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

22. If youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way shell think youre mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but dont get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know shes coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually dont like this one that much but I think its funny.

25. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call. Thats also quite funny

10. You cry for your mother. 9. You cross the street without looking for cars. 8. Snack time is a necessity. 7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do6. You stay at home and play games with your friends. 5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders. 4. You wear big mittens. 3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity. 2. You take naps. 1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

This story would go in rec.humor except a personal friend of the woman
involved assured me it actually happened:
(This is more likely an urban legend.)

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for
speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he
walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:

I bet youre going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmans Ball.

He replied:

No, Highway Patrolmen dont have balls.

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
hed said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

(Is this how urban legends get started?)

The Polymath (aka: Jerry Hollombe, hollombe@TTI.COM)

A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, Thats amazing how did you get that. The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.

David Lettermans Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You

10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping

9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes

8. Dominos keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street

7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out

6. You get nominated for Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video

5. Your dishwasher functions are Wash, Rinse and Record

4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room

3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, Roger that, Chico

2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house

1. Suddenly discover theres an antenna bolted to your ass

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one."Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack."Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack."Potatoes," says the blonde.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category, and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

(Originally from a NutWorks posting by Terry Morris)

The guy with the recipe graduated.