16
Nov

Un hombre decide hacerse una

Un hombre decide hacerse una cirugía plástica para su cumpleaños. Se gasta un dineral pero queda muy satisfecho con los resultados. De camino a casa se detiene en un puesto de periódicos y, después de comprar uno, le pregunta al vendedor:

Oye, disculpa la pregunta pero ¿qué edad crees que tengo?

Cerca de 35.

En realidad tengo 47, responde el tipo sintiéndose feliz.

Después, entra a un McDonalds y le hace al empleado la misma pregunta.

Oh, usted se ve como de 29.

En realidad tengo 47.

Más tarde, mientras espera en la parada de autobuses, le hace la misma pregunta a una viejita y ella le contesta:

Mire, tengo 85 años y mi vista está muy mal. Pero cuando era joven, había una forma segura de saber la edad de un hombre. Si me deja meter una mano en sus pantalones y jugar con sus pelotas por 10 minutos, le aseguro que puedo decirle su edad exacta.

Como no había nadie alrededor, el tipo le dejó meter la mano en sus pantalones. Diez minutos después, la viejita dijo:

Ya está. Usted tiene 47 años.

Sorprendido, el hombre exclama:

¡Es increíble! ¿Cómo lo hizo?

Y la viejita le respondió:

¡Estaba detrás de usted en el McDonalds!

16
Nov

El alcalde de una pequea

16
Nov

Rejection lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (I dont want to do my Dad.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)



6. Ive got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys.)



5. I dont date men where I work. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Its you.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)



2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)



1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)



Now the male perspective on the same issue:



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)



6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)



5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)



2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)



1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

16
Nov

Dressed to Kill

My wife dresses to kill . . . and cooks the same way!

16
Nov

Schemmers Law (Organization & Programs):

Schemmers Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.

16
Nov

One day, a guy dies

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? Im in Hell.

Devil: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, Youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays thats all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, its
okay…. youre already dead.

Guy: No Way !

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, i love drugs! You dont mean…

Devil: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you
want. If you overdose, Its Okay… youre already dead.

Guy: Alright ! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So…. are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

16
Nov

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves?

Russel

16
Nov

Dinner Dishes When Moms Away and Dads Cooking

  • Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
  • Kids eat free night at the steak house.
  • Pizza.
  • Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
  • Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
  • Chips and salsa.
  • Cocoa Puff surprise.
  • Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
  • Cold pizza.

  • Whatevers cooking at Grandmas.

16
Nov

Bible Talk!

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out Revelation 3:20 on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

________________________________________________________ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. – Revelation 3:20 ________________________________________________________

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preachers message was written the following notation:

________________________________________________________ I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. – Genesis 3:10

16
Nov

How Much For the Room?

Bridegroom: How much for the room? Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars apiece. Bridegroom: Okay. Heres $

140.