Old and New Jokes

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the doors edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that those crazy guys had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Yo mamas teeth are so rotton when she smiles it looks like she ate a bag of oreo cookies.

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

Well, Father, began the old man, At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.

Thats a wonderful thing, interjected the priest, But its certainly nothing you need to confess! Its gets worse Father, continued the elderly fellow, I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.

Thank you Father, said the old man. Thats a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?

Of course, my son, said the priest.

The old man asked, Do I have to tell her that the war is over?

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None — they dont want to be enlightened!

There was a duckling that was crying near a lake, so an owl flew down to see what was the matter with it. Why are you crying, duckling, the owl asked.

My parents walked into the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I dont know who or what I am, said the duckling.

Well, youre a duckling sitting by a lake, so you must be supposed to swim, said the owl. The duckling was amazed at the wisdom of the old owl, and asked how he could ever repay him. The owl told him to simply repay the same kindness to another creature someday.

Thrilled with his new-found sense of self, the duckling went to the lake to go for a swim, determined to someday repay the favor to another animal.

He arrived at the other side of the pond and saw a crying skunk. Why are you crying?, asked the duckling.

My parents walked in the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I dont know who or what I am, said the baby skunk.

Seeing an opportunity to repay the kindness that the owl had once shown him, he said, Well, youre half black, youre half white, and you stink… you must be a Mexican.

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my
life and give up tequila.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one!

AOL:

America Online, this is Sue speaking.



Caller:

Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.



AOL:

Okay, maam, whats your question?



Caller:

Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called cybersex… does this cost extra?



AOL:

:::quiet laugh in the background::: Well maam… I dont know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.



Caller:

Oh really? My friends said

they got it from AOL.



AOL:

Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.



Caller:

Hmmmm…I dont understand, what is cybersex??



AOL:

Im sorry, I really dont

know how to explain it.



Caller:

Hmmm..well, have you

ever had cybersex?



AOL:

Maam, I dont think thats an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?



Caller:

Sorry, like I said I dont even

know what it is.



AOL:

Thats okay maam,

anything else?



Caller:

Yes, I have one more question.



AOL:

Go ahead…



Caller:

What are you wearing?



AOL:

click

Two good ol boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Bubba says, Hey, Junior – theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in and have us a drank.

But wes privates, protests Junior.

NO, wes sergeants now, says Bubba, pulling him inside

Now, Junior, Im gonna sit down and have me a drank.

But, wes privates, says Junior.

You blind, boy! says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. Wes Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

Youre cute, she says, and Id like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If its good, give me the okay sign.

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Junior, he says, What you give me the okay for?!

Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, But wes Sergeants now!

Q: Why dont they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because hes Haydn!