I can tell by your accent that yere Irish. Pray tell, what part o Ireland ye from?Im from Dublin the man replied.Are ye now? Well, it just so happens Im from Dublin meself. Where bouts did ye grow up?I grew up on the south side, near Malcolm Street. said the second man.Well kiss my Blarney Stone! said the first, I grew up on Malcolm Street meself. Tell me, did ye go to school around there?Aye, I went to St. Agnes.Faith and Begorrah! I went to St. Agnes meself. What yeard ye graduate?I was in the class o 67Well aint this a small world! said the first man I graduated in 1967 meselfAbout this time another man walks in and sits down at the opposite end of the bar and orders a drink. As the bartender take him his usual he says:Evening, Mike, you know its gonna be a long night when the OMalley twins get drunk.
Q. How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three. Two to screw it in, and one to confirm that light began while they were screwing.
Youve ever shoplifted Spam.
You dont understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family wont go hungry.
Yo mama so dirty that you cant tell where the dirt stops and she begins.
For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.
Un hombre que habÃa estado preso durante 15 años finalmente sale de prisión y su mujer lo va a recibir. El hombre la ve y se avalanza sobre ella, y le dice, mi amor después de tanto tiempo me muero de ganas de cogerte, y sin esperar llegar a casa se la lleva tras unos arbustos y empiezan la faena, sin darse cuenta de que estaban sobre la vÃa del tren.
En eso el tren aparece a lo lejos y el maquinista toca la sirena para avisar, y la pareja que seguÃa y no se movÃa de la vÃa. El maquinista sigue tocando la sirena y la pareja igual seguÃan gritando y gimiendo, hasta que no le queda otra cosa al maquinista que frenar y el tren para justo delante de ellos.
El maquinista se baja furioso y les reclama: Oigan, ¿ustedes están locos? ¿no se dan cuenta que los he podido matar? ¿Cómo se les ocurre hacer el amor en plena vÃa del tren?
Y el hombre le responde: Mire señor maquinista, ¡Yo que me venÃa, ella que se venÃa, el tren que se venÃa… yo que me venÃa, ella que se venÃa, el tren que se venÃa…! ¡Que pare el que tiene frenos!
A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK maam?
Yes officer, Im just fine! the blond chirped.
Well, how in the world did this happen? the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
Officer, it was the strangest thing! the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…
Uh, maam, the officer said, cutting her off, There isnt a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.
Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.
So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, Ill grant you one wish . . . but i wont sleep with you.
Guy says, Ok then, how bout a little head?
A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While hes waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars.
He counts his money at the counter. Wait a minute, he says to the clerk, When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on here?
Fluctuations. says the clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens. Well! Fluck you Americans, too!
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with cant eat or do anything until he knows for sure.
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I havent had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?
Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. Ive been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesnt do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.