Old and New Jokes

You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

Certainly, sir, thatll be 1 cent.

One penny?! exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

Certainly sir, replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.

How much money? inquires the guy.

Four cents, he replies.

Four cents?! exclaims the guy. Wheres the guy who owns this place?

The barman replies, Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says, Whats he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies, Same as what Im doing to his business.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file,

and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn,

and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;

Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;

CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension,

Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;

Carport lite on, for son whos late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;

Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;

Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,

Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves;

White noise machine set to seaside soothes.

Camcorder is ready to film in a flash

Blenders all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;

Keep lightning away should it rain.

Let no errant shock reset it all;

Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

Im wide awake now from all this hassle;

God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

– Author Unknown

Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland

Doorbell rings, Im not listnin,

From my mouth, drool is glistnin,

Im happy–although

My boss let me go–

Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

Theres beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,

Saying, Yo, man!

Dont you know tonights the senior prom?

With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;

I just discovered letterman-dot-com!

I dont phone, dont send faxes,

Dont go out, dont pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

Im happily addicted to the Web!

Q:What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q:What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q:What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $ 3.99 a minute.

Once upon a time, there was a village.

The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked
about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.

A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.

The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But
you are getting married soon, I dont want you to get hurt.

What is it? What is it? Let me know, the ignorant groom eagerly asked.

The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said,
But you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their
private place. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws.

How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?

Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Dont take
any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee.

The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you…

The bride also eagerly asked for advice.

The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive.

Oh, please help me. What should I do? The bride was scared.

Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night, she lied.
I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached.

In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror.

… And they slept separately ever after.

[Ed: Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several
of them, but I thought I would try this. Dont send me yours.]

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: Its your problem, not mine (Its happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.)

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; its as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, Me too equals I love you)

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, Fabric bad, electronics good)

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond Clean and Dirty – The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, Wedlock Schmedlock)

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above I do

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, Dont wash my silks)

8. Parenting: It doesnt end with conception

9. Get a life; learn to cook

10. How not to act like a jackass when youre obviously wrong

11. Spelling: Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You: The weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake in public

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower

20. Ill wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled No, its not a bidet)

22. The weekend and sports are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too

29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, You dont look like Mel Gibson when naked)

32. Changing your underwear: It really works

33. The attainable goal: removing tits from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary

35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

You rotten bastard! yelled the husband…Im going to kill you!

Wait!, said Mrs. Jones.

You know that fur coat I got last winter?

Well, he gave it to me.

And that diamond ring we sold for $1000s?

Well, he gave it to me.

And remember when we couldnt aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims…

For heaven sake woman, its drafty in here.

Cover him so he doesnt catch cold!