Old and New Jokes

(According to reliable sources this is a true story.)

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVE FILES RETAINED AT NASA. NOT TO BE
RELEASED TO THE PRESS.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual COM traffic between him,
the other Astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he
made the enigmatic remark, Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However through the years and upon checking the records, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many
colleagues have questiones him as to what the Good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement
meant.

On July 5th, 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a
briefing, an official from the Space program brought up the 26-year-old question
to Mr. Armstrong, he finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died early
in April this year and so Armstrong felt that he could answer the question.

When he was a child, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which travelled approximately 500 meters
and landed in front of his neighbours bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky, it was Neil Armstrong who jumped over their fence and found the
baseball, as he leaned down to pick the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky, Oral sex? Oral sex you want? Youll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!

Two Orthodox Jews went to Markus Pincus the tailor for new suits.

Listen, Markus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth?” Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth. After a few minutes of haggling, Markus was able to convince the two Rabbis that this was indeed black cloth and they negotiated a price.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. He muttered something to his friend and they both walked off, much to the shock of the two nuns.

What did that man want? one nun asked the other.

It was very strange, she replied, he looked at my garment, whispered something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Markus Pincus Fucktus.

10. Youre sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.


8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.


7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.


6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or

without whipped cream.


5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.


4. Thanksgiving dinner is a sure thing.


3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!


2. Youre expected to fall asleep after dinner.


And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better

than sex:


1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER

dinner.

Just heard this morning on Michael Feldmans What do you know? national radio show:

Bushs proposed argument for the U.S. Supreme court is I was only kidding when I said the Federal Government should not get involved with internal State matters.

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

Hit him again Doc, Hit him again! the 5 yr. old said.

He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!!

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, Have you been fooling around with the waitress?! Oh no, sir, I sure havent, replied the bartender.

The boss replied, Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!

Tres hombres viajan en un tren: un riojano, un valenciano y un turolense.

De pronto, va el riojano y tira 100 o 200 litros de vino.

El turolense le pregunta:

¿Por qué tiras tanto vino por la ventanilla?

Porque en mi tierra hay así (gesto de muchos).

Después, el valenciano tira 100 o 200 kilos de naranjas.

El turolense le pregunta:

¿Por qué tiras tantas naranjas por la ventanilla?

Porque en mi tierra hay así.

Entonces, va el turolense y tira al valenciano por la ventanilla.

Y le dice el riojano:

¿Por qué lo has tirado?

Porque en mi tierra hay así.

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but Im glad she slapped him. The General manager is setting there thinking: I didnt know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadnt missed him when she slapped and hit me! The young woman was sitting and thinking: Im glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him! The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! Oysters? On Yom Kippur? queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
Whats wrong? answered Cohen. Yom Kippur has an R in it.

-Joey Adams