Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jennys father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, Mr.. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.. Smith replies, Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live? Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies In Jennys room. Its bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, Okay then how will you live? Youre not old enough to get a job. Youll need to support Jenny. Again, Johnny instantly replies, Our allowance…Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. Thats about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine. By this time Mr.. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wont have an answer to. After a second, Mr.. Smith says, Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own? Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, weve been lucky so far…
While in a Houston bars restroom, my co-worker saw the following
scrawled on a condom machine:
Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.
First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a mans leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that hes recovered fully he does the work of five guys.
Second surgeon: Thats really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. Hes so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!
Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and hes so good hes putting this entire country out of work!
Earth has finally established contact with an alien civilization. The Council of Nations has sent a group of 6 scientists (of various nationalities) to the pre-decided rendezvous point. The aliens, weird beings with antennae, arrive at about the same time.
The discussion between the scientists and the aliens proceeds. It turns to the topic of sex. The aliens (and of course the scientists) wish to know how reproduction takes place.
The aliens agree to demonstrate first. One of the aliens looks like it is about to collapse, vibrates strongly and at an increasing speed, a humming sound ensues and Lo and Behold! there is a little alien between all of them!
The scientists had not discussed what to do in the present situation.
Two of them, in the interest of science, agree to demonstrate. They retreat into their capsule, followed by the aliens. They proceed to take off their clothes and demonstrate in full vigour.
A few minutes later, the aliens and the fully clothed scientists emerge from the capsule. One of the aliens, unable to suppress its curiosity, asks, Where is the little Earthling?
A scientist replies, Oh! You have to wait for 9 months for that.
The aliens confer among each other. After a hurried calculation they ask, If you have to wait so long for the little one, why hurry in the end?
Things NOT to say to a Cop!
1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
3. Arent you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No Donut!
9. Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Didnt I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nightstand.
12. I pay your salary!
13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
14. Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, thats how far ahead of me they are.
17. What do you mean, Have I been drinking? Youre the trained observer!
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.My son, said one proudly, has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in. To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual.As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, but, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big portfolio of stock certificates.
I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, What are my choices?
And she said, Yes or no.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz, Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??
Sally, Cause I just cant get a man.
Liz, Well, you sure wont find one in the middle of the woods.
Sally, Dont be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldnt find it.
Liz, I dont understand what youre talking about.
Sally, Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.
Liz, So, hows that going help you get a man.
Sally, Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.
The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!
En un restaurante un hombre gritó de pronto: ¡Mi hijo se ahoga! ¡Se tragó una moneda! ¡Ayúdenme por favor!
Un hombre que estaba en una mesa vecina se levantó y dijo que el tenÃa mucha experiencia en este tipo de asuntos. Caminó hacia el pequeño sin mostrar ningún signo de preocupación, puso sus manos alrededor del cuello del niño y apretó. Inmediatamente, la moneda saltó por los aires. El hombre regresó a su mesa como si nada hubiera pasado.
¡Gracias, gracias! gritó el padre. ¿Es usted paramédico?
No, respondió el hombre. Trabajo para la oficina de recaudación de impuestos.