Old and New Jokes

Divorce proceedings most likely.

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, um, how is this going to work?

The martain man replies Oh, not big enough? Okay then.

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. Um, thats good but isnt it still a little thin?

No problem the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?

The man replied, It was awful!!

The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?

A: Is that you coffin?

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.Harriet, shes a prostitute.I dont believe you. That sweet young thing?Lets go up to our room and Ill prove it.In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. Now, he said, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK? Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, How much do you charge? $125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services. Even George was taken aback. $125! I was thinking more in the range of $25. Bambi laughed derisively. You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.Well, said George, I guess we cant do business. Goodbye. After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, I just cant believe it! George said, Lets forget it. Well go have a drink, then eat
dinner. At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, See what you get for $25?

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!

Llega un señor al doctor y dice:

Doctor, doctor, no se que hacer. Mi esposa tiene muchos pelos en las piernas.

El doctor responde, pensativo:

Ah, conque así está la cosa…

No, doctor, la cosa está mucho peor…

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, Dont you know Im Polish?



Oh, Im sorry, the blonde apologizes, do you want me to start over and talk slower?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

How do Chinese people name their children?

– They throw silverware down the steps, and whatever noise it makes…