Old and New Jokes

Pepsi proceeded to build factories in many of the former Soviet states way before its great rival, Coca-Cola Company got on the market there.

So, when Coca-Cola opened their first factory in Georgia, the company decided to promote it as much as they could. Thus they proceeded to invite Eduard Shevarnadze, the president of the country for the celebration, and he agreed to be there.

The great day came, the first bottle of Coke was about to roll off from the assembly line, the president of the country, the national TV channels cameras and reporters were all there.

The first bottle arrives, they open it, and hand it to Mr. Shevarnadze. He picks it up, sips some, with the whole country watching, and with a smile which cheers the heart of Cokes marketing manager he says Great taste … just like Pepsi!

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?

To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.

The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!

The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?

I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.

Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.

To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.

Un caballero tenía problemas para eyacular así que decide ofrecer $50000 a la primer mujer que lo hiciese eyacular.

Así empezaron a llegar mujeres y a tener sexo, pero ninguna lograba que eyaculara. De repente aparece una mujer atleta, le agarra el pito y empieza a succionar y succionar (ya se imaginan, con esos pulmones, la fuerza de la succión).

De repente el caballero grita y hace gestos, la atleta piensa, Ya vienen los pesos. Pero el caballero le dice, ¡Para, paraaaa, que la sábana y el colchón se me están viniendo por el culo!

Jaimito llega al colegio golpeado en la cara. La maestra le pregunta:

¿Qué te paso Jaimito? Otra vez estuviste peleando.

No, profe, es que mis padres no tienen dinero por la situación del país. Entonces dormimos en la misma cama los tres, usted sabe por la austeridad. Por la noche mis padres me mandan a dormir y se acuestan. Luego me preguntan: Jaimito ¿Estás dormido? Yo contesto Sí y entonces me golpean.

La maestra le dice:

Claro, ya sé qué pasa. Tus padres necesitan privacidad, Jaimito. Ellos no pueden hacer el amor si tu estás despierto. Esta noche cuando te manden a dormir tu te acuestas y te quedas tranquilo, si te preguntan algo quedate callado, para que veas que no te hacen nada.

Al día siguiente llega Jaimito todo amoreteado, un yeso en una pierna y en un brazo, la cara con curitas, en fin ¡vuelto mierda! La maestra lo ve y le dice:

¿Qué hiciste mijo? Seguro no fue lo que yo te dije.

Si profe, me mandaron a dormir y lo hice. Me preguntaron: Jaimito estás dormido. Y yo me quedé como muerto. Al rato se desnudaron y se acostaron. Luego de un poco de movimientos mi mamá empezó a decir:

¡MI AMOR ME VOY!

Y mi papá también:

¡YO TAMBIÉN ME VOY!

Entonces yo me paré y les dije:

¡ESPERENME QUE ME VOY CON USTEDES!

Remember Little Timmy? Hes the foul-mouthed boy who lives down the block from Little Johnny.



Anyway, Little Timmy was sitting in the back of the class the other day, squirming. He raised his hand and said, Teacher, I have to piss.



Flustered, the teacher said, That is not the correct word to use, Timmy. The correct word is urinate. She told Timmy that he could go to the bathroom if he could correctly use the word urinate in a sentence when he returned.



Little Timmy came back from his trip to the potty and sat down. Can you use urinate in a sentence, Timmy? the teacher asked.



Yes, Timmy said. Right now ur-in-ate, but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten.

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldnt you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, You know how fast you were going BOY?!?

Bob thought for a second and asked, Uhhh, over 55?

93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!

But if you already knew, replied Bob, Why did you ask me?

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine! The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, You dont even look like you have a job! Why,… Ive never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!

Bob recanted, Ive got a job! I have a good, well paying job!

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?

Im an asshole stretcher!!! replied Bob.

What you say, BOY?!? asked the patrolman.

Im an asshole stretcher!!!

Of course the cop asked, What does an asshole stretcher do?

Bob explained, People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until its six feet across.

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?

Bob nonchalantly commented, You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

The recipe said to cook for 1/2 hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

A fellow was out for his usual morning walk. Crossing the road along which he walked was a high overpass. As he neared the overpass he noticed, lying at the foot of a pillar, a crumpled heap.

Walking closer he realized that it was a person lying there, who had either fallen or jumped from the overpass. He rushed over to see if he could help and saw that the person was still alive.

He also noticed a dead parakeet tied to the ankle of the person lying there.

What happened? he blurted out.

The eyes opened, and a painful voice answered, I wanted to find out what this budgee jumping is about.

Its the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. Hes a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girls father answers and invites him in. Carries not ready yet, so why dont you have a seat?, he says.

Thats cool says Bobby.

Carries father asks Bobby what theyre planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carries father responds why dont you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asks Carries Dad to repeat it.

Yeah, says Carries father, Carrie really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobbys eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that shes ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

DAMMIT DADDY! …ITS CALLED THE TWIST!!!

Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.