Old and New Jokes

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy.

Id like to be one cool stud! was the reply. Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. Youll find them easily, he says… One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger.

Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. Well, the officer replied, one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other ones head straightened around, he was dead, too.

You dont know Jack Schitt!

When someone says You dont know Jack Schitt, well, now youll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitts twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, You dont know Jack Schitt! you can say Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!

Your Mamma is so fat that when she barely got out the door and went around the corner and passed my house with a yellow jacket on i went …aw crap i missed the bus again!

Llega la mujer y le dice a su esposo que esta leyendo el periódico:

Mira mi amor, ¿no crees que con este vestido me veo 20 años más joven?

Y el esposo la mira y le dice:

¡Y porque no te compras dos vestidos más!

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, Is God male or female?

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,Well God is both male and female.



This confuses the little boy, so he asks, Is God black or white?



Well, God is both black and white.



This further confuses the boy so he asks, Is God gay or straight?



At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,



Honey, God is both gay and straight.



At this the boys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks…



Is God Michael Jackson?

Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.

The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.

Doggie Bowser, MD — The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel that
becomes a brain surgeon.

Wheel of Torture — A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters at
her to spell words.

Murry Brownose — The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who tries
his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.

Cutie and the Priest — The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.

Herald O. Revealer — An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in their
closets.

Carlos in Charge — A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive Columbian
drug-lord and his two daughters.

This Old Louse — A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve the
appearance and habits of their husbands.

Married, with Hemorrhoids — A light hearted look at marital life after age 40.

China Bitch — A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated, lesbian
Vietnam War nurse.

Murder, She Rewrote — A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman who
cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each week
changing only the names.

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “Im going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Angry Dad (at 3am): Well, young lady, where have you been until this hour!?

Daughter: Ive been sitting up with the son of the sick man you tell Mom you were sitting up with.