Old and New Jokes

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians.

Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of Gods intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes.

Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Phaaroah, in the face of such overwealming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues.

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renouned psychologist and nurse, to find the definative answer.

Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious … The Pharoah was still in de Nile.

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny.

The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan? Johnny says, Because Im a Clinton fan.

The teacher asks why hes a Clinton fan. The boy says, Well, my moms a Clinton fan and my dads a Clinton fan, so Im a Clinton fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a Bush fan!

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

Un granjero demandó a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufrió en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta:

¿Acaso no le dijo usted estoy muy bien al policía que lo auxilió?

Déjeme explicarle lo que pasó. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta…

¡No le pedí detalles! Limítese a responder la pregunta: ¿le dijo usted, sí o no, que estaba muy bien al policía que le ayudó?

Como le venía diciendo, llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto apareció un bus de su empresa…

¡Señor juez, estoy tratando de demostrar que esta persona le dijo que estaba muy bien a un policía, inmediatamente después del accidente! Ahora, después de varias semanas, él demanda a mi cliente y eso se llama fraude. ¡Por favor, dígale que responda la pregunta!

El juez le explica al abogado que está interesado en escuchar la historia del granjero y le pide a este que continúe:

Pues yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto, en un cruce, me topé con un bus que se comió la señal de Pare y me estrelló de lado. Yo quedé paralizado por el golpe y la impresión, pero escuchaba que mi yegua gemía como loca, presa del dolor. Unos minutos después, llegó la patrulla de policía y un agente se bajó alarmado por los gemidos de mi yegua. El policía la examinó y finalmente sacó su arma y le pegó un tiro en medio de los ojos. Luego, vino hasta mí y me dijo: su yegua estaba muy mal y tuve que pegarle un tiro para que no sufriera. ¿Usted cómo se siente?

I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade English (sic) class:



We watched the end of Zeferellis Romeo & Juliet today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred:



Julio Baez: Yo, hes gonna jump on her!

Ms. Young: Julio, nowhere on this planet would that be an appropriate thing to say.

Julio: No, Ms. Young! I think hes a hermaphrodite!

Ms. Young: Julio, hes not a hermaphrodite.

Julio: No, Ms. Young! For real! Theres really people who like to have sex with dead people!

Ms. Young: Yes, but theyre not called hermaphrodites, theyre called necrophiliacs.

Julio: (Aside to Felix) Shes so stupid. (To me) No Ms. Young, necrophiliac is when you have that disease where you cant stop bleeding.



At least theyre learning something.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.

Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.

Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.

Definitely, said the psychiatrist.

Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.

Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.

And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.

There were three blokes talking in the pub.


Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.


After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?


The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.


The first two blokes were amazed.


What happened then? they asked.


She said, GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

You might be a redneck if…
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

Their amp.