Old and New Jokes

Well worry about that when we get there.

It is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
(Yogi Berra)

When you talk to me, shut up!
(Leo Rosten)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book: Ill waste no time reading it.
(Moses Hadas)

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldnt afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
(Joey Bishop)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
(Robert Frost)

My mother and father were first cousins. Thats why I look so much alike.
(Unknown)

No, I dont give refunds for bad jokes.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didnt stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

God Almighty ! shouted Mary.

The teacher said, Very good! and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, Who is our Lord and Savior?, but Mary didnt even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

Jesus Christ! shouted Mary.

The teacher said, Very good! and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, Ill break it in half!

The Teacher fainted.

This sounds like an urban myth, but I trust the teller.

A friend from Berkeley just started working for the University. His supervisor
had the following tale to tell:

The supervisor and his brother were going off to the 3rd game of the World
Series on Oct. 17. The brother was taking his new car, a pure white Mercedes
with gold trim. Hed bought it three days before.

They get to the game, park, and go to the stands. The earthquake hits.
Everyone cheers. Everyone goes out to their cars. However, our two heroes
cant find their car–its been stolen. Somehow they get home, tell the
insurance company, and go on with their lives.

A couple weeks ago, the insurance company phoned back saying that theyd found
the car. In fact, theyd found the thief as well–he was in the car when
they found it… in the Cypress Structure, crushed to six inches high…

The brother was horrified, but Andys supervisor was really happy.
Yes, there is justice in this world!

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says Put this on your bill sir to which the duck replies what do you think IM a dickhead!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such a Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, he pointed out, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah. Right.

Thanx to W. F. Norman.

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said, Yes, 3 times.

Three times!? how did it happen? he asks.

Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?

Yes, that was really a terrible time.

Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?

It is hard to believe, he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.

She continued, And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldnt afford the operation?

Of course I remember.

Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?

Yes, he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?

She responded, Do you remember when you ran for Temple president…

and needed 23 more votes?

I couldnt repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Llega un barco Ruso a un puerto latinoamericano. Toda la tripulación se dispone ir a la ciudad a buscar mujeres para complacer sus necesidades sexuales, pero se les advierte del alto indice de SIDA en el puerto y de que no deben tener relaciones sin usar condón.

Entonces todos los rusos van hacia la única farmacia abierta en la ciudad a comprar condones, pero por más muecas que hacen no logran hacer entender al vendedor que quieren condones ya que no hablan ni ingles ni español. Muy frustrados se regresan al barco, pero un marinero inteligente se va a la farmacia, se baja el pantalón, se saca el pito, lo coloca sobre el mostrador y pone un billete de un dólar al lado. Entonces el encargado se queda viendo y piensa:

Ummm… ¡Ah, ya sé! Lo que este ruso quiere es un condón, y el ruso muy feliz corre al barco y le avisa a todos como hizo para conseguirlo.

Todos los rusos van a la misma farmacia y hacen lo mismo, se bajan el pantalón se sacan la pija, la colocan en el mostrador y al lado un billete de a dólar. Pero a todo esto el encargado había salido a comer y lo reemplazaba temporalmente un negrito ayudante. Este, al ver a aquel monton de rusos piensa:

Umm… ¡Ah, ya sé qué quieren estos rusos!, entonces se baja el pantalon, saca aquella enorme pija, la coloca sobre el mostrador y dice:

Bueno, bueno, señores lo siento mucho pero la casa gana. Y recoge todos los billetes.

El presidente Bush da un discurso urgente a su país desde el avión presidencial y les dice:

Les tengo una buena y una mala noticia: La buena es que ya encontramos a Osama Bin Laden, y La mala es que va piloteando el avión presidencial.