Old and New Jokes

Va kim Bassinger a confesarse y el cura en cuanto la ve se pone nervioso:

Ave maría purísima.

Sin pecado concebida.

Mire padre que tengo unas dudas.

Dime, hija mia, cuéntame.

Padre: ¿con esta cara puedo ser virgen?

Ejem… pues claro hija mía.

En eso Kim se quita la blusa, se baja el sujetador, se agarra las tetas y dice: ¿Y con estas tetas? ¿puedo ser virgen padre?

El cura muy empalmado ya dice: Pues claro que sí hija mía, claro que puedes.

Kim se quita los pantalones, se baja las braguitas, le enseña el chichi y le dice: ¿Y con este chichi? ¿puedo ser virgen?

El cura ya no puede más y se sale del confesionario y se pone de rodillas ante el altar y empieza a rezar: Padre altísimo, se que la carne nos está prohibida pero, por favor, me está faltando la fe Señor, dame una señal para seguir creyendo…

En esto que se oyen unos golpes fortísimos de frente; el cura mira el cristo cruficado golpeándose contra la pared y gritando: QUITAME LOS CLAVOS JODER, QUITAME LOS CLAVOOOOS!!!

Tuesdays Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of
JFK airports International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some
interesting ideas on how to clean it up:

In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphols urinals would pass inspection in an
operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that
each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black
outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

It improves the aim, says Aad Kieboom. If a man sees a fly, he aims at
it. Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphols own building expansion.
His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce
spillage by 80%.

We will put flies in the urinals — yes, Jan Jansen says in a back office
at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as
of noon today. It gives a guy something to think about. Thats the
perfect example of process control.

His New York public relations attendant titters. Fine, laugh at me, Mr.
Jansen says. It works.

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit
suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank
some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through
the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into
the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him
vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman
and was taken to hospital, where he died … of exposure!

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, Life isnt so bad after all, and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

Thank you, he said. I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

Dancing? Im not dancing! the armless man replied bitterly…

My asshole itches, and I cant scratch it!

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter."Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers wont dig into the ground." The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!""Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! Were gettin farther away from our truck!"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals – unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a
Genie!

Then Genie says, I will grant you one wish.

After a minute of pondering the guy says, I would like you to make me a bridge
from here to Hawaii because I hate to fly and I dont like boats.

The Genie says, My God, you know how long it will take for me to grant that
wish? How many people it will take to build it? Make any other wish in the world
except that one.

The guy thinks, then says, I would really like to understand how a womans mind
works.

The Genie replies, Would that be two lanes or four?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two-fifty.