Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sally!
Sally who?
Sally dance!

Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.

The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.

So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.

So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.

Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after its usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.

After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.

The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.

So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for its villager feast.

But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.

The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.



As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.

Please dont let me be late to church….

As she was running she tripped and fell.



When she got back up she began praying again…



Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!



—————————-



One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.



The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?

Theyre smart pills son, said his father.

Eat them and theyll make you smarter.



So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!



See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!

The chaos in the universe always increases.

How come there were only 10,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

They only had 2 cars.

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Buried in the Dead Sea Scrolls are some accounts of the Apostles during the Ministry of Jesus. There is, for instance, the story of Judas Iscariot, the disciple who later betrayed Jesus, which betrayal led to His Crucifixion.

It is written there that one day, before undertaking a journey across the desert of Samaria, Jesus summoned His Apostles and asked each of them to bring a stone. Informed before hand of their destination, Judas picked up a small stone so as not to tax him with weight for the journey. As the day wore on and the sun beat upon their heads, Judas smiled, for among all of them, he carried the smallest stone and therefore the least burden.

As darkness fell, Jesus told His disciples to pitch tent and to rest for the evening. He gathered them together and asked them to bring forth their stones. Wherefore, He blessed the stones and turned them into bread to overcome their hunger. Judas, of course, had the smallest bread!

On the occassion, while strolling on the shores of Lake Galilee, Jesus again asked His disciples to each pick up a stone. Smarting from the desert fiasco, Judas decided to carry with him the biggest stone.

Upon reaching the edge of an inlet where deep waters abound, Jesus gathered His Apostles and said to them: Cast your stones upon the water. The ones who throw them the farthest are nearest Me.

Judas, of course, had the heaviest stone which negotiated the shortest distance!

Once again, Jesus told His disciples to gather two stones and to proceed to the hillside at Ephrem. This time, Judas did not take any risks. He brought with him two stones: one small and one large. He was ready for any eventuality. Arriving at the appointed place, the Master asked them to produce the stones. Except for Judas, all carried of approximately equal weight.

Thereupon, Jesus blessed them and made them part of their organs of generation, infusing in them fertility, strength and stamina.

Judas, of course, because of the two stones of grossly unequal weight, walked from that day forward with a steep inclination to one side. And thus began the unbalancing of the man!

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there!

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red,
Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.

Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?

I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.

Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?

One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.

The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?

Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.

• Alp:
  One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

• Avalanche:
  One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

• Bindings:
  Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

• Bones:
  There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

• Cross-Country Skiing:
  Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. Its good exercise, doesnt require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

• Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
  Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

• Exercises:
  A few simple warm-ups to make sure youre prepared for the slopes:

  1. Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
  2. Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
  3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

• Gloves:
  Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

• Gravity:
  One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

• Inertia:
  Tendency of a skiers body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newtons First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

  1. Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills.
  2. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, dont expect to encounter it again in our universe.
  3. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see Tree)

• Prejump:
  Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

• Shin:
  The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

• Ski!:
  A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

• Skier:
  One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

• Stance:
  Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Am I nuts or what?

• Thor:
  The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

• Traverse:
  To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

• Tree:
  Alternate method of either Traverse or Stopping.