Old and New Jokes

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmers mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say Yes, it was. The men would then ask, Can I borrow that mule? and I would shake my head and say, Cant, its all booked up for a year.

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said Great! Be sure and give him lots of that there triggernometry! Hes got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen

En el colegio la profesora les dice a sus alumnos: hoy haremos ejercicios de comparación.

A ver Juanito, un ejemplo de algo malo que se convierta en algo peor

Algo malo: tener fiebre; algo peor: morirse de esa fiebre.

Tú Oscarito.

Algo malo profesora: mojarse con la lluvia; algo peor: que te dé neumonía por haberte mojado.

¿Y tú Pepito?

Algo malo maestra: que te obliguen a agacharte y te metan un paraguas por el culo; algo peor: que teniendo el paraguas dentro del culo ¡lo abran!

¿Cansado de ejercicios abstractos sobre cálculos de vectores y planos en el espacio?

Prueba un poco de álgebra con ejemplos realmente prácticos y descubre una nueva manera de ejercitar tus neuronas.

Enunciado:

Una madre es 21 años mayor que su hijo y en 6 años el niño será 5 veces menor que ella.

Pregunta:

¿Dónde está el padre?

Esta tarea se puede solucionar, no es tan difícil como parece. ¡No mires la solución! Hay que hacer cuentas primero.

NOTA: Hay que poner mucha atención a la pregunta: ¿Dónde está el padre?

Solución:

El niño tiene hoy X años y su madre tiene hoy Y años. Sabemos que la madre es 21 años mayor que el hijo. Entonces:

X + 21 = Y

Sabemos que en 6 años el niño será 5 veces menor que su madre. Por lo que podemos deducir la siguiente ecuación:

5 (X+6) = Y+6

Reemplazamos Y por X + 21 y procedemos a despejar:

5 (X+6) = X + 21 + 6

5X + 30 = X + 27

5X – X = 27 – 30

4X = -3

X = -3/4

El ni̱o tiene hoy Р3/4 de a̱o, lo que es igual a menos 9 meses.

Matemáticamente hemos logrado demostrar que a la madre, en este momento, le están haciendo el amor.

Resultado:

El padre está encima de la madre.

¡FÁCIL!

Sung to the tune of Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)



Day-O…oh Day-O,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Run Mr Taliban, we know where youre hiding,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Hey USA, USA, USA…

Air force come and they flatten you home

60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Old Uncle Sams pissed, he aint no quitter,

Air force come and they flatten your home

When we finish you all be crying,

Air force come and they flatten your home,

Pilot is brother of New York fireman

Air force come and they flatten your home

Monica Lewinsky told Bill Clinton in the Oval Office that the ceiling
needs to be painted.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35, was the reply. Im actually 47, the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, Oh, you look about 29. I am actually 47. Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age. As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, Okay, its done. You are 47. Stunned, the man says, That was brilliant. How did you do that? The old lady replies, I was behind you at McDonalds.

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

1. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.

4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

5. A prison guard is shaving your head.