Old and New Jokes

In Tabers Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary (edition 15) on page 1451 begins an article entitled rape and sexual assault prevention Towards the end of the article is the following paragraph.

If forced to participate in oral sex, i.e., fellatio, and you feel your life is in danger, then a vigorous, quick, and forceful attempt to amputate the penis by biting could completely demotivate the rapist because of extreme pain. You should immediately flee at that time.

To me that last sentence seems a prime candidate for the under statement of the year award.

A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. Its okay, she said. Im going to a convention.

1981
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.2005
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.If Prince Charles gets married agan and és Liverpool wins Champions league in the same year … maybe it would be a good idea to notify the Pope …

Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly Interesting movies? It could be that youre one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA – Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you cant even read the question, youre halfway there already – just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and youll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasnt in a Barbers shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if hes from MUNSA
d. Tyre5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why arent there (e.)s in all the other questions6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre7. Mona Lisa was:a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre8. The cold war was about:a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those o

There were three ladies at the obstetricians office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

Im going to have a boy! she declared. The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. Im going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was Im going to have a puppy!

What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky? The

pool table in the oval office!

Paez le tenia rabia a Bolívar porque siempre lo perseguían las mujeres y a él no. Un día le pregunta:

Bolívar, ¿cómo hace usted para tener tantas mujeres?

Mire, ahí viene una dama, déjeme darle un ejemplo.

Bolívar va donde la dama:

Me gustaría ser su perfume para embriagarme todo el día.

La dama le sonríe y se va, no sin antes darle un buen beso. Paez ve que viene otra dama y decide intentarlo:

Me gustaría ser su sombrilla.

¿Y para qué?, le responde la mujer.

Pa que me agarre po el palo todo el día.

When Mike got arrested, they told him, Anything you say will be held against you.

Mike said, Claudia Schiffers breasts.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

What you use when your peter backs out
before your back peters out.