Old and New Jokes

Why does Monica Lewinsky refuse to play golf?

She is sick and tired of getting hit in the head with Bills balls.

1) So your daughters a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
Shes a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I loooked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed,
and youre on the mends.
Heres a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

4) Youve announced that youre gay,
Wont that be a laugh,
When they find out youre one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be,
But dont fret about it,
She moved in with me!

7) You totaled your car
And cant remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote –

IM DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

How do you circumsize a redneck?

You kick his sister in the chin!

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN

If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN

The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Lets get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs….what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

Youve got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

Im fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, Im sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

Id really like to see how you look when Im naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because Ive got a stiffy.

Id walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, Id have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, Im Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think Im cute?

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

Election night
Bill: Honey, we won!
Hillary: Honestly?!
Bill: Lets not bring that up…

When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. Okay, okay, his owner agreed to the bird, You can come along, but I dont want you looking. You gotta promise that youll look the other way when were making love…and if you break your promise, youll get nothing to eat!

Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.

Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, I cant get it all in honey, youll have to sit on it.

She says, No, that wont work, Ill get on top and press down.

No thats not gonna work, why dont we both get on top?

Its then that the parrot thinks to himself, Food or no food…this I GOTTA see!

You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!