Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Castro!
Castro who?
Castro bread upon the waters!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!

Warning: Theres a new virus on the loose thats worse than anything Ive seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction ones disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And thats just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spresd of the worm:

Dont use the powerline.

Dont use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)

Dont upload or download files.

Dont store files on floppy disks or hard disks.

Do NOT read messages! Not even this one!

Dont use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.

Dont use keyboards, screens, or printers.

Dont use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.

Dont use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

Im sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.

Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

Do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.

No, she replied. But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.

The executive branch.

This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were to walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls his wife aside and tells her; Its been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our children. No regrets.

Then she says; Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I only have two regrets.

Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks What, what?.

She replies that for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have always been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have picked your nose.

The husband says I can explain, I can explain. When I left the old country, my father took me aside and told me… Son, whatever you do, keep your nose clean, and never fuck up.

Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.



The brunette said, We should go to Mars.

The redhead said, We should go to the Moon.



The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to … the Sun!



The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, You cant go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!



The blonde said, DUH… Not if you go at night!

One day the lone ranger and tonto are out riding in texas. they stop at a bar and start to have a drink. then a big guy comes in and says whos white horse is outside?

the lone ranger stands up and says what abuot it ? the man says well your horse is about to faint so the lone ranger told tonto go run around silver and see if you can get some air movin a couple minutes later anoither guy walks in and asks whos white horse it is outside. the lone ranger stands up and says whats wrong with my horse?!!! the guy says nothins wrong with your horse you just left your injun runnin.