Old and New Jokes

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina…

Finally find that damned G-spot.

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked, I dont mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied, Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says, sure.

The guy with no arms says, I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said, Sure, I guess.

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out.

When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him,

I dont mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt, –

I dont know but I sure as hell aint touching it!

Newly arrived in the U.S., immigrants Mario and Luigi go to the urban unemployment office.

What line of work are you in? the agent asks Mario.

I pilot, replies Mario.

Im sure I can find a place for you, says the efficient woman, handing him an application to fill out. Then she turns to Luigi, And what kind of work do you do?

I lumberjack, he answers.

Hmmmmm … Im afraid we dont have any openings for lumberjacks.

Suddenly Mario looks up. Hey, you must be crazy, lady!

The agent is taken aback. What are you talking about?

Well, if he no cut it, how you expect me to pile it?

What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates the finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)

1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant

4. Listens more than he talks

5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times

6. Can carry in all groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)

1. Not too ugly – bald head okay

2. Doesnt drive off until Im in the car

3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion

4. Nods head at appropriate times when Im talking

5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture

7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down

10. Shaves on most weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length

2. Doesnt belch or scratch in public

3. Doesnt borrow money too often

4. Doesnt nod off to sleep while Im talking

5. Doesnt re-tell same jokes too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves on some weekends

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)

1. Doesnt scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesnt require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)

5. Forgets why hes laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10.Remembers when…

What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)

1. Breathing–

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, Do you have a condom?

Donald says No.

Minnie tells Donald that if he doesnt get a condom that they cant have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.

Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says yes we do and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.

The clerk asks Would you like me to put that on your bill?

Donald says NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

How do you know youre at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define lightbulb.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

Andaba Ramiro enojando vociferando por las calles de La Habana y se encuentra a su gran amigo Filemón, quien le dice: ¿Qué pasa Ramiro? ¿porqué tan enojado? Es que todo esto es por culpa de Fidel… ¿De qué tiene la culpa Fidel, hermano? Pué que para comprá azúcar, una maldita cola, para comprá harina, una maldita cola, y que si va comprá tú carne, otra maldita cola… y no se diga de la gasolina hermano, otra maldita cola… ¡ya estoy cansado!… ¡yo voy a matar a Fidel! Oye chico quieto, que no andes por ahí diciendo tarugadas ¿cómo de que vas a matar a Fidel? ¿que tú estas loco de la cabeza, hermano? Mira Filemón, ahorita que me voy y que mato a Fidel… él tiene la culpa de todo esto…

Total que Ramiro arranca para donde Fidel para matarlo. Pasadas las horas, Filemón se encuentra a Ramiro sentado en una banqueta viendo la gente pasar…

Oye chico, yo ya te hacía agujereado en un paredón… ¿que tú no ibas a matar a Fidel y que no se qué? Pues mira hermano, yo iba, pero es que para matar a Fidel hay ¡¡UNA MALDITA COLA!!