Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.
The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
Im recently widowed, she explained, and Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.
Not to worry, Jack said, well be happy to sleep in the barn.
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widows attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?
Yes, I do.
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?
Yes, I have to admit that I did.
Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?
Bobs face turns red and he said, Yeah, Im afraid I did.
Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.
Doctor Ahn says, I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.
The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of
humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared
a few weeks ago:
In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer
was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his
cows.
The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his
boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool
and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said,
the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor
of the barn.
Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and
exclaimed, Theyll do that every time!
Mark Bartelt
Hospital for Sick Children, Toronto
Darling, she whispered after they had finished making love, Will you still make love like that to me after were married ?
He considered this for a moment, and then replied, I think so. Ive always been especially fond of married women.
Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they werent hot.
Olie replied, We come from Minnesota where its always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us. This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and its very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.
The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldnt understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasnt working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.
A light flickered in the Devils mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasnt a punishment, maybe hed give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!
Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.
Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!
Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?
No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.
Una mujer, cansada de que su marido llegue borracho a casa todas las noches, decide darle un susto para que escarmiente. Esa noche, cuando el esposo todavÃa no regresa de la juerga, se disfraza del diablo y lo espera en silencio en la oscuridad. Apenas escucha girar la llave de la puerta, la esposa se prepara y en cuanto entra el hombre, alcoholizado como siempre, cae encima de él gritando:
¡Grrrrrrrrr! ¡He venido a llevarte!
El hombre mira con tranquilidad y responde:
Da lo mismo… ¡Hace veinte años que vivo con tu hermana!
Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, Where did you get that?
The parrot responds, Africa theres lots of them there!
Yo mama so fat that when I walked around her, I got lost.