You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!

The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and hed do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?

Im sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I cant die today! I WONT die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I dont want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?" The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. "I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said… "Iron this!"

A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic.

The old fool, she thought, I knew I should have left them in the basement!

Put some music in front of him.

Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 1. Hotel –
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 2. Dictate –
My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Catacomb –
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb. 4. Foreclose –
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum –
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment –
My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint. 7. Penis –
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel –
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, *beep* that watch israel. 9 . Undermine –
Theres a fine lookin ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic –
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq –
When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle; iraq, you break. 12 . Stain –
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, ! Do you plan on stain for dinner? 13. Fortify –
I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify. 14. Income –
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. This house is yours for eternity, Bobby, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo. Bobby looked at God and said God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me? God chuckled, and said Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!

A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a blonde sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied my remote wont open the doors, I cant get out!. He looked down to see her holding her cars remote door opener in her hand!

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, medium.

Then the waiter said, how about your vegetable? Hillary replied, Oh, he can order for himself.

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Un hombre de campo que se fue a trabajar a la ciudad, envió un telegrama a su esposa con el siguiente texto:

‘Cama lista, pierna abierta’.

La esposa, al leer el telegrama, se llenó de emoción, así que corrió a su cuarto, alistó la cama, se puso la bata más sexy que encontró y se preparó para esperar a su marido. De pronto, se abre la puerta y entra el marido. El tipo, asombrado, exclama:

“¡Mujer! ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Recibiste el telegrama? ¿No ves que tengo la pierna abierta? ¡Tuve un accidente!”