Old and New Jokes

A husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.

Honey, you seem upset… said the husband apple to his wife apple.



Yes dear, I am. she replied.



What is the matter? he asked.



The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.



Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?



Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didnt melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

You know uncle Rons cure for AIDS: Sit down and keep your mouth shut!

From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according
to the Wall Street Journal:

A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.

Five thousand pounds, the shop owner replied.

Five thousand pounds? the man asked. Why so much?

Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English, came the
reply. With the European Communitys unification due in 1992, hell
be a great asset.

I dont care about the Common Market, the parrot fancier said.
What about that gray one in that other cage?

The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese–the
languages of the 21st century.

Im too old to worry about the 21st century, the frustrated parrot
lover replied. What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?

The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.

Twenty-five thousand pounds! exclaimed the customer. What does
he do to worth that?

Were not sure, the pet-shop owner replied. But the other two
call him chairman.

The couple are merrily banging away, going ten to the dozen then she hears
the sound of a car door slam shut.

Oh shit cries out the woman, Its my husband coming home early.
The man mutters Holy Shit under his breath, panicking about his
prediciment.
Quickly the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. Take these and hide
in the closet until the coast is clear.
He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes
the door and crouches down.

After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that hes not entirly alone.
Dark in here, isnt it. The young boys voice confirms it. The womans son must
have been hiding here during the whole sordid act.
Holy Shit the man mutters again. Listen sonny. If I give you ten pounds
will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone.
The young lad thinks for a minute before saying Tell you what, make it a fiver
and youve got a deal. (Evidentally the lads state education wasnt totally
wasted…).

The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light
beaming through the keyhole to deduce its demonination. The boy quickly takes
the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breaths a sigh of
relief and eventually manages to escape.

The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls out the fiver from his pocket and
starts to work out what he can buy with it.

Whats that? his father demands. A five pound note? Where did you get it
from? Did you steal it?

No. I earned it the boy wails.

A likely story. You stole it didnt you?

The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys hands.
Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgivness, you thief.

The boy relucantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to
the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he
walks in, closes the door and sits down.

Oh, dark in here isnt it the boy whispers.

A voice from the other side calls out : Holy Shit, not you again

You might be a redneck if…
You dont think Jeffs jokes are funny. 🙂

Q: What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?

A: One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch.

Q: How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer

Q: How is a blond like a screen door?

A: The harder you slamm them the looser they become

Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?

A: Paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon patch

Q: How did tarzan die?

A: Thumping watermelons

Q: How are a turtle and a blond similar?

A: Put them on their backs and they are phucked

Q: Why did the blond have a big belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blond too!

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man You want fries with that? And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.

And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.

And God said I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said You are running up the score, Devil. And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery…

And Satan created HMOs.

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an
employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does
not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down
immediately.

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