Old and New Jokes

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasnt seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it…our lives depend on it!

Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, Im so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on stun.

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp–the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: lightsabers.

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective with one glance.

5. The Death Star doesnt care if a world is Class M or not.

4. Luke Skywalker not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

1. Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Joke found on http://www.bright.net

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T
virus.

Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending
hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Politically-Correct Virus
Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic
microorganism.

Right To Life Virus
Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about
possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing
quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates your session and then disappears. Itll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a
binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2
Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.

Gallup Virus
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time. (Plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Bobbit Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately,
the area is permanently disabled.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back
to 200MB.

Terry Randle Virus
Prints Oh no you dont! whenever you choose Abort from the Abort
Retry Fail message.

Texas Virus
Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus
Youre in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus
Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus
Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface
at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus
Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus
Just does it.

Heard this from a D.J.:

A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite
gender and walks up to her. He said, Hey, can I buy you a drink?
The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, WHAT
DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE? She storms out of the bar, and the
guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A
few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says,
Im sorry about that. Im psychology major and I was just testing to
see your reaction to what I just said. Then the guy stands up and
walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, FIFTY DOLLARS? 🙂

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days. Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed. [However] Revelations 21:8 says But the fearful, and unbelieving … shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
— From Applied Optics vol. 11, A14, 1972

In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most beautiful chapels Ive ever seen. Since there was no sign at the site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it was being built for.

He said, None at the moment, a group of investors are building it on speculation.

Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Question: Whats E.T. short for?

Answer: Because he has little legs!

What do you do if an Iraqi with half a head comes running at you?

Stop laughing and reload!