Llegó una vez un enano a la peluquería. Faltando poco para terminar, el peluquero le dice:

Señor, ¿le corto las patillas?

Y el enano enfurecido le responde:

¿Y en qué me voy?, ¿en las huevillas?

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.



St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, I dont know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.



The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work out? they wonder, Are we stuck together forever?



St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informs the couple, You can get married in Heaven.



Great, says the couple, but what if things dont work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?



St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!



Whats wrong? exclaims the frightened couple.



Come on! St. Peter exclaims, It took me three months to find a priest up here!



Do you have any idea how long its going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

The last words of a chemist:

22. Something is wrong here…

23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette…

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTOs Land
Operations/Simulation division.

Theyve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopters position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time theyve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get down and dirty with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

I would like a loan of £30,000 please. he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack. Thirty thousand pounds? Thats a lot of money, you know. says Paddy, Youll need a collateral for that amount of money.

Thats okay, says the frog, I have this. And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant. Whats this? I cant accept this as collateral. Dont worry, says the frog, I know the manager, hes a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the managers office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says Theres a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,

000… he gave this as collateral… what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says… Its a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, What the heck is going on?The drunk, still staring down, replied: I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

What are the only two kinds of men?

Studs and duds.

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.

Alimony:

1) A contraction of the term all-his-money.

2) A splitting headache.

3) Its the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.

4) Paying for something you dont get.

5) Thats the same as buying corn for somebody elses cow.

6) The high cost of leaving.

7) The last laugh.

8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husbands checkbook.

9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.

10) A womans cash surrender value.

11) The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One whos alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.