This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined.
She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina… Husband: Yeah, I know, shes also got a nice pair of tits too!
A woman and her husband decided to go on a skiing trip one weekend. They rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and were preparing to go down. The woman suddenly announced that she needed to use the restroom, and NOW. Her husband told her that since the coast was clear, she could just hide behind a tree and go.
Well, the woman had her pants down around her ankles when she suddenly began going down the mountain. She hit a tree on the way down and broke her leg and her arm and had several other bumps and bruises.
When she awoke at the hospital, she was surprised to see another man who was dressed in a skiing outfit and also looked as if he had been in a skiing accident. The woman was very curious about this man, so she asked him what happen.
Youll never believe it, he told her. I was just skiing down the mountain, and a woman went by with her pants around her ankles, and I crashed into a bush.
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.
Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!
You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.
Heard this from a friend:
A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which
requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for
two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head
monk.
After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described
his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.
When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were
and he replied BAD FOOD.
After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!
The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesnt surprise me.
Youve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!
[Ed: Reportedly part of Gary Mulederes act.]
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, These sleepovers are killing me!
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
You might be a redneck Jedi if…
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word chicken.
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
Your master ever said My finger you will pull..hmmm?
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side.. .itll be a hoot.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks cant find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own dont function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You dont like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
Youve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
Youve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
Youve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You dont think the Ewoks are primitive.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You dont think Jabbas pig guards have a hygiene problem.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
Este era un lorito muy tirón, y todos los dÃas se cogÃa a los animales de la tienda donde se encontraban, hasta que un dÃa una señora lo decide comprar.
La señora tenÃa una gata, y todos los dÃas al llegar a la casa veÃa a la gata toda exhausta, y decÃa: Ohhhh se han cogido a la gata.
Asà pasó una semana, hasta que tomó al loro y le dijo: ¡Si mañana te coges a la gata te encierro en el refrigerador!
Al dÃa siguiente la gata estaba cogida otra vez y la mujer encerró al loro en el refrigerador. Pasaron tres dias, y se acordó del loro, y cuando abre la puerta del refrigerador ve al loro todo sudado y éste le dice:
¡COÑO, ESE POLLO SI QUE TIENE EL CULO DURO!