Old and New Jokes

Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to the Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with
Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!

Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?

This was first written for the population of bobcats being crowded by the suburban expansion in the Orange County area of California. Since then it has been endorsed by the coyote population, and populations of other natural predators being pushed out of their natural habitats.

You move your homes into my abode

You bulldoze a canyon for a toll road

You have an airport for supersonic jets

So, Ill come down and eat your pets.

Author unknown; printed in the Orange Section of the L.A. Times, Sunday, June 29, 1997.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dads laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Moms drivers license and car registration.

Two rednecks decide that they arent going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?

I sure do.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replies the
professor.

Thats real good! says the redneck.

The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously
catching on.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever
heard! I cant wait to take that logic class!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend.

Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.

What in tarnation is logic?! asks his friend.

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asks the first
redneck.

No, his friend replies.

Logically thinkin youre queer, aint ya?

A few selected, funny but also scary quotes of words of wisdom by George W Bush. Unlike the bogus Gore quotes making the rounds, the source and date for each quote is cited.

The fundamental question is, Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy? I will be, but until Im the president, its going to be hard for me to verify that I think Ill be more effective. In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000

The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that Ive looked at. I do not believe weve put a guilty … I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas. All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Nouraee.)

Im gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. Ive read, I understand reality. If youre asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do. On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC; May 31, 2000

Theres not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me. On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Mais.)

Bush: First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. Thats dieciséis de Septiembre, and … Matthews: Whats that in English? Bush: Fifteenth of September. (Dieciséis de Septiembre = Sept. 16) Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. Thats what we were certain of. … You see, even though its an uncertain world, were certain of some things. Were certain that even though the evil empire may have passed, evil still remains. Were certain there are people that cant stand what America stands for. … Were certain there are madmen in this world, and theres terror, and theres missiles and Im certain of this, too: Im certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and Im certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low. Albuquerque, N.M., the Washington Post, May 31, 2000

She missed.

Did you hear about
the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight?
He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and
none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight £1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a
telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded,
Ten pounds.. The voice replied, Very well, put you check in the mail
and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here
stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, If you catch me you can screw me. Well the
overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he
was through enjoying himself she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and
weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had
lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight
man replied, Twenty pounds.. Very well, the voice on the phone told
him, Put your check in the mail and well have a representative over
to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me you can screw
me. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch
her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds!
This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight
do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?,
the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The overweight man replied, My checks already in the mail. You just
have your representative over here in the morning, and he hung up the
phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied
up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, If I catch you Im going to screw you.

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled This side toward enemy for a reason. Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire. If its stupid but works, it really isnt stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When youre not ready for them. b. When youre ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!