Old and New Jokes

Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:

Caller: What do you think about football?

Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings.

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Freds wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.

Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he planned revenge.

That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz wife in the act of performing oral sex.

The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz, Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blowjob last night.

Stacz replies, Na, na, na, na. I wasnt home last night.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Womens Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, MontanaIve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.A Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.
* Womens Restroom, Dicks Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Mens Restroom, Lindas Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Mens Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Orange juice!
Orange juice who?
Orange juice going to talk to me!

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Whats another word for thesaurus?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasnt a fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Como siempre, en la comida del domingo estaba el abuelo reunido con toda su descendencia. Al terminar los alimentos, ya en la sobremesa, sus nietos le pidieron que contara una de sus anécdotas y éste aceptó:

Les contaré… Estaba yo en la selva tratando de cazar alguna fiera; en eso, me abro paso entre la maleza y, de repente, me encuentro con un león cerca de mí, tan cerca, que sentía yo sus pelos en la cara…

En eso, suena el teléfono. El viejo se levanta a contestar:

Sí, claro, nos vemos mañana, adiós. Y cuelga.

Al regresar a la mesa les pregunta a sus nietecitos:

¿En qué me quedé?

En que tenías los pelos en la cara, abuelo, responden a coro los nietos.

¡Ah, sí!, responde el anciano y prosigue:

Y entonces que le agarro su cinturita…

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied, Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll take you right there. She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied, Dont worry, officer, it wont be long now. The 45th bus just went by!

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

Its not the work that gets me down, its the coffee breaks.