A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.
Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.
Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.
Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.
But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.
A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesnt even leave a hole.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.
We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us.
Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.
Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.
Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.
Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.
Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.
Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.
Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.
Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.
Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.
Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.
Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.
Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.
Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.
Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?
St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?
Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan!
Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Wind catches lily
scattring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
My Novel not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear Sir,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or
girlfriend.
Very Truly Yours,
Burly Dick, President
Jiffy Condom Company
BD/pee
A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."
Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Im really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Whys that?
Pope: All my life Ive wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: Youre a day late.
Manolo y Paco se hacen narcotraficantes. En el primer intento de pasar mercaderÃa al paÃs vecino, son descubiertos por la guardia fronteriza. A Manolo lo hieren de un balazo en una pierna y lo detienen. Paco, con mejor suerte, logra huir. Un mes después Paco va a visitar a Manolo, quien le dice:
Paco, hazme un favor. La herida en la pierna se me ha infectado y aquà en la cárcel me la van a cortar. Quiero que recojas esa pierna y la lleves a enterrar a nuestro pueblo.
Por supuesto.
A la semana siguiente, Paco retira la pierna extirpada, la lleva a su terruño y procede muy compungido a su entierro. Vuelve al paÃs vecino a visitar a Manolo y éste le dice:
Paco, el maldito virus de la herida se ha extendido. Es menester que me corten la otra pierna. ¿No harÃas lo mismo que hiciste con la anterior?
Casi llorando, Paco acepta. A los pocos idas va a la enfermerÃa, le entregan la pierna de Manolo y cumple la misma ceremonia de enterrarla en su terruño. Un mes después va a visitar a Manolo a la cárcel y escucha esto:
Mira Paco, esta endemoniada infección no quiere detenerse. Se me ha extendido al brazo derecho y me lo van a cortar; yo te pido que…
Paco lo interrumpe muy sonriente y acercándosele para hablarle en secreto le dice: ¡Qué hábil que eres Manolo… ¡Ya me he dado cuenta, ¡¿te estás fugando de a poco, eh?!