Old and New Jokes

A young boy had just got his drivers permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, Ill make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and well talk about the car.

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that hed best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, and Ive observed that youve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But Im real disappointed since you havent got your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment and then said, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that and Ive noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and theres even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair.

To which his father replied, Youre right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?

THE DOCTOR because he says Take your clothes off.

THE DENTIST because he says Open wide.

THE HAIR DRESSER because he says Do you want them teased or blown?

THE MILKMAN because he says Do you want it in the back or in the front?

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says Once its in youll love it.

THE BANKER because he says If you take it out too soon, youll lose interest.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lucerne!
Lucerne who?
Lucerne some maths today!

Three men walk into a bar,

You think one or them would have seen it!

How can you tell if your girlfriends frigid?

When you open her legs, the lights go on.

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and Ive got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! he says.

One morning a son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire.

His father said, Son, where are you going?. The son replied, Im going to catch me some chickens.



The father said, Son, you cant catch chickens with chicken wire. But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand.



The father thought, I guess he knows what hes doing.



The next morning the son got up with some duck tape.



The father said, Son, where you going?.



The son replied, Im going to catch some ducks.



The father yelled, YOU CANT CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCK TAPE.



The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm.



The father thought, Damn, I guess he does know what hes doing!



The next morning the son got up with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, hold up son, let me put on my shoes.!!

The Jewish civilization is 6000 years old, and the Chinese
civilization is 4000 years old. What is the significance of these
facts?

For 2000 years, the Jews had to do their own shirts.

I know what Victorias Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than
30 can fit into their stuff.

All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing… ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, itll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.

Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.

Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans NEVER make mistakes while operating computers under stress.

Any photograph can have minute details digitally pulled out of it; you can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.