Old and New Jokes

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off."Whats so funny?" they asked him. "It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbors house blew up."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

This is exciting, thought the gentleman. Ive always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. Im really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, hell ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?

Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I cant tell the Pope that. There must be another word.

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, I think the word youre looking for is aunt.

Of course, said the Pope. Do you have an eraser?

A true Southerner knows what catywompus means.

A true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
and a conniption and they dont HAVE them, they PITCH them.

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of YONDER.

A true Southerner knows exactly how long directly is – as in:
Going to town, be back directly.

Even true Southern babies know that Gimme some sugar is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when by and by is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor whos got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbors trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right
near and a right far piece. They also know that Just down the road
can be 1 mile or 20.

A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol boy and po white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that fixin can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

A true Southerner knows that the term booger can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in that ol booger, or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are in line we talk to everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
theyre related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, Well, I caught myself lookin ., you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say sweet tea and sweet milk.
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it – we do not like
our tea unsweetened. Sweet milk means you dont want buttermilk.

Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?

The second guy says, Wow, you have an airplane? Lets go!

So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, Lets land here. It looks like its as good a place as any.

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.

Damn! he says, That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?

Since its the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, All right, Im going to try ONE more time, and if I cant land it were just going to crash and hope we dont die.

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway.

Im gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!

The second guy looks around and says Yeah, but look how wide it is!

Va un sujeto viajando en su auto por la carretera a 120 Km/h. Estaba por llegar a su destino, cuando uno de los camiones que venía detrás de él se apura para alcanzarlo; le sopla unos bocinazos y le hace señas para que pare. El hombre se detiene, y el camionero le informa que 50 Km atrás se le cayó la mujer del auto.

¡Gracias a Dios, pensé me había quedado sordo!

Está un señor con su doctor, que es el mismo de su esposa, y le dice:

Creo que mi esposa se está quedando sorda.

Y el doctor le contesta:

Hágale una prueba hoy en su casa; si persiste, venga a verme.

Y así lo hizo. A la hora de merendar, va y se para a tres metros de su esposa y le pregunta:

¿Qué hay de cenar?

Pero la mujer no responde. Después va y se para a dos metros y de nuevo le pregunta:

Mi amor, ¿qué hay de cenar?

Y otra vez, no hay respuesta. El hombre se para a un metro y, nuevamente, no pasa nada. Harto, se para atrás de ella y le dice gritando:

¿Qué es la cena, linda?

Y la mujer le responde:

¡Por cuarta vez, POLLO!.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.



Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.



As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, I know you – arent you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?



Yeah, so? said the officer.



Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?

Lets play Swallow the leader

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didnt feel it. He dug around again, but there didnt seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldnt finish the job, and without the pay he couldnt even buy food for that nights supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldnt do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. Whats more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words…until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.

Received from Cathy Gilstrap.

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, Why are you throwing those nails away?

The first blonde explained, If I pull a nail out of my pouch and its pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away cause its defective. If its pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you arent defective! Theyre for the OTHER side of the house!!!