Old and New Jokes

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

A Jamaican guy gets stranded on a deserted island when he finds a lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he rubbed it, and POOF! A Genie appeared, a Jewish Genie.

Oy Vey!, exclaimed the Genie, Am I glad to be to there. Tree hundred years I been in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?

The Jamaican asked the Genie if he granted wishes.

Wishes, schmishes! Course I do. Ill grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins.

Well, said the Jamaican after some consideration, Id like to be white and surrounded by women.

No problem, said the Genie, and with a wave of his hand the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

MORAL : Never do business with a Jewish Genie. Theres always a string attached.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

My name is Billy. Whats yours? asked the first boy.

Tommy, replied the second.

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living? asked Billy.

Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer.

Honest? asked Billy.

No, just the regular kind. replied Tommy.

A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.

Ill tell you what, said the pilot, if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, Ill let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?

The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound.

After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I cant believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride.

Yep, said the farmer, but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified. Only twenty years of normal sex life? but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. But I dont need twenty years, he protested, ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly, Can I have the other ten? The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, Can I have the other ten? The lion said that of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, Can I have the other ten? The donkey said that yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:

I am drawing a picture of God.

But, grasped the shocked mother, you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks.

Well, the little boy replied complacently, when I get through they will.

From: Jokes for All Occasions, 1921

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, Im sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.



Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, I still cant tell where we are Harry, lets ask that gentleman down there on the ground.



Harry yells down to the stranger, Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?



Youre in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air, came the reply.



That man must be a lawyer, George quipped. How can you tell? said Harry.



Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!

Bennetts Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.