Old and New Jokes

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.

The second said, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The third said, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

Fifth surgeon said, I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . .

The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea
of the origin.

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:

The good news is we got them down to ten.

The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!

¿Cuál es el verdadero número de la bestia?

660: el número de la Bestia… aproximadamente.

DCLXVI: el número de la Bestia romana.

0,666: el número de la MiliBestia.

/ 666: denominador común bestial.

666-1: número imaginario de la Bestia.

1010011010: número de la Bestia binaria.

6, mmm… ¿me lo puede repetir? (una modelo Bestia)

1-600: característica telefónica de la Bestia.

0666: código postal de la Bestia.

0-600-1-0666: la Hot-Line de la Bestia.

$6,66: valor por minuto de la Hot-Line de la Bestia.

$665,95: precio de la Bestia al contado, o 12 cuotas de $66,60.

$710,35: precio de la Bestia más I.V.A.

6,66%: impuesto al valor agregado Bestial.(I.V.A.)

$806,66: precio de la Bestia con accesorios y gastos de envío.

$506,66: precio de la Bestia… sin factura.

Ruta 666: el camino de la Bestia.

6,66 mg: dosis mínima diaria de la Bestia.

Lotus 6-6-6: base de datos de la Bestia.

Word 6.66: procesador de texto para Bestias.

i66686: el CPU Bestial. En vez de Pentium, Pandemónium.

666i: el BMW de la Bestia.

333: Medio Bestia.

600: Fiat de la Bestia cuando era joven.

666 kg: un gordo bestial.

Rocky 666: la saga cinematográfica bestial.

6+6=6: ¡Pero qué Bestia!

Seis, Sex, Sexo… las Bestias solo piensan en eso.

Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

A woman went to the doctors office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.



One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctors office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, Sir, Im afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wifes blood sample with another patients, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimers disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.



The man looked scared and said, Thats terrible, doc, what should I do until then?



Well, when youre driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house. If she makes it home, dont have sex with her!

Take all the chip bags… open them… lick all the chips of their flavor and put them back in the bag…



hide one of their shoes every day for about a week…



Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out. Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.



Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.



Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.



Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.



Make a shine dedicated to them.



Whistle one line of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new line.



Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.



Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY! Do this every night for 6 weeks.



Sniff their underwear while theyre still wearing it.



Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. Talk to the fish and giggle often while staring at your roommate.



Tie all your socks up in knots. Hang them from the ceiling. Count them every time you walk in the room.



Every time your roommate walks in the room, shake their hand and smile sweetly. If they refuse, wipe the smile off your face, clench your teeth and growl whenever they walk in the room for the next two weeks.



Watch test patterns.



Collect bottles of colored water on the floor. Refuse to discuss them.



Buy lots of slinkys and hang them from your ceiling while humming Its Slinky, its Slinky…



Buy lots of pictures. Hang them up upside down. Stand on your head to look at them.



Tack candy wrappers on your walls.

Gilbs Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

And the angel of the Lord said unto the shepherds

Shove off, this is cattle country!

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.

When he got home he couldnt tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as hes only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!