06
Nov

These should be Murhpys laws

These arent Murphys Laws but some of them should be:

The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boobs Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weilers Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesnt have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conways Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkedness
You cant fall off the floor.

Hellers Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osbornes Law
Variables wont; constants arent.

Mains Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinbergs Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

06
Nov

Baptists and sex positions

Why dont Baptists ever have sex standing up?Someone might think theyre dancing.

06
Nov

Another bar joke…

Picked this one up from a friend at school:

137 lemmings walk into a bar.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
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Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.

06
Nov

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "Im from Ireland." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?" "Oh, its nothing amazing," says the bartender,"its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

05
Nov

Yo mama is so short

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

05
Nov

Q: How many vegans

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.

05
Nov

Q: How many NBC

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.

05
Nov

You Have The Brakes

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, What the hells the matter with you two?

Didnt you hear me blowing the horn? You couldve been killed!

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

05
Nov

Un abogado distinguido muri y

Un abogado distinguido murió y sus familiares decidieron incinerarlo, pero como el dinero no les alcanzaba decidieron hacer una colecta. Cuando se acercan a pedir la colaboración de una persona, ésta depositó en la urna tan sólo un peso.

¿Sólo un peso?, preguntó el recolector, ¿Sólo un peso para incinerar a un abogado?

A lo que el hombre contestó:

¡Ah!… ¿es para incinerar a un abogado?. Ten 500 pesos para que incineres a 20 abogados.

05
Nov

Resulta que Manolo se encuentra

Resulta que Manolo se encuentra durmiendo, cuando de pronto suena su teléfono a las 3 de le mañana; todo desvelado y con sueño contesta:

¿Hola?

Y una voz le dice: Ho…la…ya…sé…ha…blar.

Y Manolo todo furioso le contesta:

¡Qué, me llamas a las 3 de la mañana para decirme que ya aprendiste a hablar, desgraciada!

¡Es…que…soy…una…va…ca!