Old and New Jokes

A psychiatrist in a mental hospital decided to test three patients to determine if they were well enough to be released.

He asked the first one: What is 3 times 3?

The patient answered: 111.

He asked the same question of the second patient and was told that the answer was Tuesday.

He told both that they werent healed and had to stay.

He asked the third one: What is 3 times 3?

The reply: 9.

Great!!! Youre cured! You can go home, but tell me how you knew the answer?

The patient replied: Simple. I divided 111 by Tuesday!

Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water

Log On: Makin the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Dont add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

Una pareja se conoce en una discoteca. Al cabo de un rato el hombre propone:

¿Qué te parece si jugamos al mago?

¿Y cómo es eso?

Yo te echo unos polvos y… ¡Desapareces!

Q:How do you make a Swiss roll?



A:you push them down the Alps.

Helen Waite is our credit manager.

If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that shed sworn off men for life.

They lie, they cheat, and theyre just no damn good, she moaned. From now on, when I want sex, Im going to use my tried and tested plastic companion, she said.

What happens when the batteries run out? asked her friend.

Thats simple, replied the blonde. Ill just fake an orgasm as usual.

Husband: Lets go out and have some fun tonight.

Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

[ True story ]

A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they
decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the
Chesapeake.

Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground.
Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While
they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched,
and the hapless boaters explained that theyd been looking at the
landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed:

Employee: Sir, do you know what this is?

Boater: A lighthouse.

Employee: Why do you think its here?

Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:

By Paul Maddox

Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.
Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably dont have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them – hahaha)
Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.
Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
Play in the airlock.
If theyre studying you, make cow noises.
Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
Step on their feet.