Old and New Jokes

Whiteheads Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.

What is wrong with Polish snow tires?

They melt.

There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red

street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a

little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel

rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.

So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the

little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.

Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The

woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story?

Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the Cool User Program for Windows 95. To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.

We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95, explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. We have chosen the state of Utah, stated Microsoft,because nobody lives there, anyway. Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsofts Cool User program. Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months, said a source who asked not to be identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsofts plan as a bold, innovative move. In columnist Michael S. Browns opinion column M.S. Brown Knows which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time. Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if Windows NT didnt completely replace DOS in six months he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that I didnt say *which* six months.

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!” So the blonde looks up!

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Bubba.

As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40, with just a few mistakes. Others couldnt get past 20.

Bubba, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, Thats because you are from Georgia, son.

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.

Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Bubba rattled off the alphabet right to W.

That evening, Bubba once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, Son, thats because you are from Georgia.

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.

Bubba noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him.

That night he told his dad, Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because Im from Georgia?

No, son, explained his Dad, Thats because youre 18.

A man went to see his Rabbi and said, Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?

No, the Rabbi replied, It will just feel longer.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.



Im afraid I dont have a husband, she replies.





O.K. do you have a boyfriend?, asks the Midwife.





No, no boyfriend either.





Do you have a partner then?





No, Im unattached, Ill be having the baby on my own.





After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.





You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.





Well, replies the girl. I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.





Oh, Im very sorry, says the midwife, thats really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.





Well yes, the girl again replies, you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?





Oh, Im sorry, the midwife repeats, thats really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.





Well yes, continues the girl, I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.





At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Well thank God for that!





What do you mean?! says the midwife, shocked.





Well, says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.

Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.