Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since university.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. My son is a doctor and hes got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?
Esther replies, Unfortunately, Morty and I dont have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.
Rachel says, No children? … and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!
Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?
No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!
Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.
But I did send them., replied the man.
What? shouted the lawyer?
I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.
Q – What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A – Shoot him again.Q – Why do little boys whine?
A – Theyre practicing to be men.Q – How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A -Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.Q – What do you call a handcuffed man?
A – Trustworthy.Q – What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A – You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.Q – Whats the best way to kill a man?
A – Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.Q – What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A – They either cling, run, or dont fit right in the crotch.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, Ah, yes, thats Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.
He listened a while longer, and said, Theres the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling.
So the magistrate kept listening; Theres the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, My fellow citizens, theres nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing.
Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
10. Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?
9. Hey, there are more than two flies in here!
8. Wasnt someone supposed to put two shovels on board?
7. OK, whos the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?
6. Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!
5. Dont Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!
4. No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!
3. And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.
2. Nice Doggie!
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAHS ARK…..
1. Are We There Yet?
Llega una señora al consultorio del cirujano plástico y dice:
Quisiera que me dejara como nueva porque me voy a casar y mi novio cree que soy virgen, pero ya no…
Por supuesto, le cuesta cincuenta mil pesos.
Oiga, doctor ¿no habrá algo mas barato? Es que no puedo pagar eso.
Bueno, algo rápido podrÃa ser por veinte mil.
No, no bájele más por favor.
Bueno ¿qué le parece diez mil pesos?
Mire, le voy a ser sincera, sólo traigo 500 pesos, ¿me lo hace?
Ummm, bueno quÃtese las pantaletas y acuéstese aquÃ.
Se acuesta y el doctor le manipula en sus genitales y antes de 2 minutos le dice, ya está, se puede ir.
¿Cómo, tan pronto? no es posible.
Que ya está, págueme.
La señora paga y se va y regresa a los 15 dias y le dice:
Doctor, ¿qué cosa me hizo?, qué increible, fue un dolor que ni en la primera vez y un sangradero bruto y mi esposo no podÃa meterlo, pues qué me hizo y tan rápido.
Pues qué querÃa que le hiciera por 500 pesos. Agarré 3 pelos de un lado y 3 pelos del otro lado y los amarré enmedio.
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.
The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.
The lady tells him that shes an avid gambler. The bank president says You must be the luckiest person that Ive ever met, to win so much! No replies the lady, I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.
The bank president smiles and says No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Ill prove it! says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. O.K…I have looked into your future and Im afraid theres bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.
The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says Look, Ill bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I cant win – theres no such thing as A sure thing…right? By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. O.K fine! he yells You got a bet!.
Wonderful! proclaims the lady, Ill see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00. The man replies Lady, I dont care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!
That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, hes greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.
Well says the lady, Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?
The bank pres. smiles and replies I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape theyve always been. Not the slightest bit square. What! cries the lady, That cant be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I wont pay one cent until Ive examined the testicles myself!
The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies Under the circumstances, I suppose thats not unreasonable and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOUVE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!! and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.
At this point the bank president is completely lost. What in the hell was that all about? he asks. Oh, says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So heres the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account