Old and New Jokes

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed
his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
those crooks deducted $95.00.

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact while Ive been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much? They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded, Its alright, now that we have your sinus cleared up, well work on your hearing next!

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.

Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, Nope, I dont think Id like that kind of punishment. So they go on to the next room.

There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, hes lowered again. uh-uh! says Clinton. Thats not for me.

Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says OK, if I have to be punished forever, Ill go for that way.

Satan says, Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!

Dos compadres estaban pescando muy tranquilamente en el río; en eso, pasa una carroza fúnebre y uno de los amigos se quita su gorra y hace una cruz en su pecho.

Eso fue conmovedor, compadre, no sabía que una parte de usted era así.

Bueno, compadre, qué esperaba, estuve 40 años casado con ella.

A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen.

The manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling.



No replied the blind man, I do not have to see it, all I have to do is smell it.He then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it.



The manager agreed and placed a 8 Ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk.



The blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine.



The manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak.



Immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak.



Thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk.



The blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. Scratching his head he said, You almost fooled me, but thats a shit house door off of a fishing boat.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

– A fridge

If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. Ill swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure youve had enough to drink?

3. Im bored. Lets shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

5. God..if I dont get to blow you soon, I swear Im gonna bust!

6. I know its a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. Youre so sexy when youre hungover.

8. Id rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Lets subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, lets go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses.

12. Ill be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. Ive decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, Ill take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, its a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldnt you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on lets go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why dont you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or

8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…