Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two to drink the keg of beer, and one to hold the bulb while the room spins!

there were these 3 nunes they got the weekend off.

Well they came back to the nune house and had to confess there sins.

The first nune said mother i need to confess my sins that i did this weeked and she said what was it- i kissed a guy your sin has been forgotten you may drink the holy water the 3rd one chucled a littel bit.

The 2nd nune came up and said mother I need to confess my sins and the mother nune said what did you do this weekend she said i wacthed a rated r movie. THe mother nune said your sin has been for gotten you may drink the holy water. THe 3rd one chuclked a liteel bit.

THEN IT WAS THE 3rd on to confess her sins and the mother nune said what kind of sin do you need to be forgotten about and the 3rd one said I PISSED IN THE HOLY WATER.

[Ed: This joke was placed in rot13 by the original poster.]

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you
(deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the
man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, LOOSEN RANKS!

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick.
With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

Did that hurt, Mister? the Captain demands.

No, SIR! the recruit shouts.

Why not? barks the Captain.

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man
across the butt.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the
men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the
proffered target.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

Help, help! yells one of the blondes.

Help us, help us! yells the other.

Maybe it would help if we yelled together, said the first blonde.

Good idea, said the other.

Together, together!

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber.

Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Manolo volvía de su viaje a Las Vegas y se encontraba con su compadre Paco.

Hola pues Manolo, ¿y como te ha ido en Las vegas?

Excelente, si verás que gané en el casino.

Ah, pues y a qué jugaste.

Pues jugé a la máquina de monedas y verás que yo le metía moneda y la máquina me daba premio.

¡Guau!

Y pues que yo metía diez monedas y la máquina me daba diez premios.

¡Increible!

¡Y pues que yo metía cien monedas y me daba cien premios!

Vaya, pues ¿y que te decía la gente?

Ah, me decían: ¡Oye idiota, que vas a hacer con tantas Coca-Colas!

Q: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit??

A: Are you gonna eat that??

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare. They couldnt fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought, this is going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

My other wife is beautiful.