Old and New Jokes

I heard this from my uncle John Herbert. You cant offend anyone with it.

A telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and
a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person
answers the phone.

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

Youngster: (whispering) No, hes busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

Youngster: (in a whisper) Shes busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?

Youngster: (whispering) No. Hes busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?

Youngster: (in a whisper) Shes busy too.

Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people
doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, Im sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that Im not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. Ill have to get back to you then. He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, Now, what can I do for you?

Nothing, replied the man. Im here to hook up your phone.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

How did the bee hurt his back?
He fell off his honey!

A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lords Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.

Lead us not into temptation she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road: A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says its OK as long as they dont disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.

Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmers door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says its OK and lets him in.

In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmers door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.

Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs…

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldnt afford to feed it. Hed never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,

000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. Hes carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,

000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

Hed never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, Remember me? The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says, Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no….

Limmerick of the Day:

There once was a girl from Wenatch, She tried to get it on with a match, She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burned all the hair off her snatch!

(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)

An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.

First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)

The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:

Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.

Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau
noir?

Ma femme est morte.

O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!

(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)