Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually?

u might b a redneck if ur dadz cell number has nuttin 2 do wit a fone

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didnt live there.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long Id be gone. I said, The whole time.

So whats the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If youre sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Isnt Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings when theyre already finished? Shouldnt they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments when theyre all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know that you dont have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it that when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs its 4s?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isnt the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

There are 3 girls, a brunet, a red head, and a blonde they are all in a car and they are going for a bushwalk, so the red head gets out of the car with her drink bottle, the brunet does the same thing, and then the blonde gets out of the car and also takes her drink bottle and she cuts of the door of the car and takes it with her. Then the red head asks her, “Why did you take off the car door?” the blonde replied, “Because, when I get cold I can just wind the window up, and when I get hot I can wind the window down!”.

1. You dress the kids up to go to K-mart.
You know the full names of more than three wrestlers.
You drive more than 35 miles with your turn signal on.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs.
Youve ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat and saltines is an hors doeuvre.
You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
More than half your cars dont run.
Your mother doesnt remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly believe that women are turned on by animal moises and seductive toungue gestures
Youve ever barbecued spam on the grill.
The primary color on your car is primer.
You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
Your diploma includes the words Trucking Institute.
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
The most common expression heard at your family reunions is What are you looking at shithead?
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have ever used a weed wacker indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father wants you to quit high school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think that a volvo is part of a womas anatomy.
You prominently display souvenirs from graceland.
You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two major food groups.
Red man chewing tobacco sent you a christmas card.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
Your richest relative bought a new house and you had to help take the wheels off.
When asked for your ID you show your belt buckle.
Your junior/senior prom had a daycare center.
You know exactly how many bales of hay your car can hold.
Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
The pink plastic flamingo onyour lawn was not put there as a joke.
Your family tree doesnt fork.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there more than a year.
Your passenger side window is a hefty bag.
Your watch band is thicker than any book youve ever read.
You veiw duct tape as a long term investment.
Your dad walks you to school because youre in the same grade.

10. Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.8. The cat is on Valium.7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.3. Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.2. You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Q: Why do farts smell?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of deja vu – of
watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure?

Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable
similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by
coincidence… or much more.

You be the judge.

Titanic vs. Clinton: Incredible Similarities

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.

CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Lets not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monicas forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.

CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clintons approval rating is at 70%.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Edwin Land is famous for inventing the Land Camera, also known as the Polaroid – the first instant camera. But he could invent just about anything he turned his mind to. Once his wife, in desperation, asked him to invent something to shut the dogs up! Seems they had two bull misstifs that could raise a terrible racket when they got excited.

So Edwin set his mind to it and invented a speaker that would shout at the dogs when their noise got to an intollerable decibel level. Since his was the only voice they would obey, the recorded message was in his own voice. And it worked; when the voice boomed out, it quieted them instantly.

But, one evening the Lands were having a party and the house was full of guests, really making merry and whooping it up. The noise kept getting louder and louder, until finally a slamming door did it: it reached the decibel level to activate the speaker.

BE QUIET! SIT! And of course all the guests, recognizing the masters voice did, heeding both of the commands: they all shut up and sat down.

I wonder if Edwin could invent a good excuse?