Old and New Jokes

Your Mama is so fat, that when she wore a Malcolm X T-shirt, a helicopter tried to land on her!

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).



Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.



And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.



For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen refugeeas they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.



You will help, wont you? It costs so little but it means so much.

Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?



the suspicious wife sneered.





No, I cant. the husband replied. I distinctly remember



taking my shirt off.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

—Michel de Montaigne

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted

A great Russian scientist Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow made experiments with a flea.

He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 40 centimetres high.

So he took a pencil (a big Russian invention) and put the following record in the experimental log: I said: Jump,flea! and it jumped 40 cm.

Then he tore off one of the fleas legs. He said: Jump, flea! and it jumped 30 centimetres high. He recorded: When I tore off one leg, the flea jumped 30 cm.

Then he continued tearing off other legs and the flea jumped 20, 10, and 2 centimeters high, respectively. Everything was recorded in the log book.

When only 1 leg remained, the poor flea jumped only 1 millimeter and a half high. Again, it was recorded.

Finally he tore off the last leg. He said: Jump, flea!. No response.

He said again (in a high voice): Jump, flea!. Nothing.

He shouted: Jump, flea!!!. The flea did not move.

So Ivan Ivanowich Ivanow took a pencil for the last time and wrote: I tore off all fleas legs and it cannot hear.

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

Ames
Here!

Jenson
Here!

Jones
Here!

Magersky
Here!

Seeback
—

Seeback!
—

SEEBACK!!!
—

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeants ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nadya!
Nadya who?
Nadya head if you understand what Im saying!